On New Years Eve I stayed home. It was really no different than the last two years except for the fact that I did not cry. Two years ago I was at Vertex alone but in sight of my bf and this past year I was home alone crying because I was lonely for him once again. I was in a relationship with Daniel both of those New Years Eves. But this year I decided to use the evening to reflect on this past year. I found every single thing I had written over the past year and gathered it all up. I had heard a podcast about closing the books on the year. It said to review the books and then close them. Not only close them but tie them shut and leave them in 2017. As painful as it was I read all those entries. The ones where I talked about how I had been shut out, kept in the dark, pressured to do things, manipulated and how I kept saying I just want to end it. I read all the things about the times I was lied to and laughed at when I tried to share how I felt. I read about how I never heard I love you or that I would be missed…ever. I read about how I had tried to end it several times but was told that we should keep trying. I always ended those entries with something about how I felt it might get better because surely he really cared about me. But you already know the end of that story, he didn’t. When I was done I put them in a notebook and wrote a last entry and then tied the book shut. I placed it on a shelf and thanked the universe for the lessons I had learned and promised to take them to heart and use them to be a stronger woman who will help others who find themselves where I was.
I have some advise if you are there now. GET OUT, I promise you it will not get better and the longer you stay the more loathsome you will feel about yourself.
On January 1 I opened up the beautiful new journal I gifted myself with and started to write. I wrote about how this year is for me to grow and transform. I wrote about the things I am going to do such as create art, exercise and take more dance lessons. I wrote about how I will be celibate for this year to purify myself after what I went through. I have to be untouchable right now. It is just what I need. I know that this year is going to be a good year because I am in charge and I am no longer trying to please someone just so I am not alone. Sadly no matter what I did I was still alone. Now when I think of him I say this “I am no longer with you and I release you to the universe” When I think of the terrible things that happened I say “What I am thinking is not happening to me right now, it is over and I release it to the universe”. This is working for me. I fell asleep speaking these things over and over last night. I was beating myself up at first because I thought “why can’t I be like him who can just walk away and forget” but then I realized that it is not that there is something wrong with me. It is normal to grieve if you have loved someone. It is not normal to walk away with no feelings. So I will not be ashamed that I have struggled and continue to struggle sometimes. I have however stopped crying. I made the right choice and I have a life to live.
Thank you so much for following my journey. I promise that I will share my insights and my growth with you as I go along.