I had a revelation yesterday. I finally understood why I put up with the emotional and mental abuse I endured over the past two years. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I was tortured, beaten and raped by an x more than one time. I lost some teeth over it and my soul was damaged. I have PTSD, anxiety and depression that I fight on a regular basis. The PTSD can be triggered by someone saying something or doing something that brings back memories. It is not something I can control. When I am triggered I go into protection mode which includes walking on eggshells, doing anything to please the person I am with, not speaking up when I am unhappy and saying yes to things that I do not want to do. It triggers my abandonment issues and I spend hours ruminating about what I am doing wrong and how I can be better to keep this person even though they are hurting me. I know it sounds crazy but I am not crazy. I am damaged and working on healing. I cannot be in another relationship until I have resolved this. Men or women who want someone who will do as they say and let them do what they want will always be attracted to survivors as long as this issue is not resolved. They train you to behave as they wish by denying affection and forcing you to accept unacceptable behavior by whispering in your ear that it is the only thing that makes them happy. I have found that being a survivor is like having a neon sign on our forehead that reads: Narcissists and Sociopaths welcome. I also know that when you end it with someone like this they always say you are the crazy one. It is a way for them to detour anyone from talking to you about what really happened and to lay the groundwork to find someone else to use. (google narcissistic supply) For this reason I know I must stay single for a good portion of time. I also must not have contact with my x or the few friends he has. It would be like drinking poison.
If you are a survivor please take the time to read information on how to spot a narcissist or sociopath. Do not be afraid to talk to x’s of the person. Don’t jump in too fast and make sure and listen to your gut instinct. Whatever they do to be with you such as cheat on a current person they are seeing, lie about things etc…they will do to you eventually. You will experience exactly what he or she did before you and they will do the same after you. Do not believe that you are special for them because no one is special to them once they lose interest and they always lose interest.