I feel numb. This is actually a good thing. In the past with breakups I was so full of hurt I could not function. This time I had been working towards ending it for almost a year. When it finally ended it was just done. I lost my drive for sex in July. Sex for me is not good unless I trust the person I am with and it is the best when I love the person. In July I had this one wonderful night where I opened up completely and felt a connection that I thought I had lost. Immediately after that he did something that deeply hurt me and I shut down. I never opened back up. Don’t get me wrong, I tried. It just was not happening. I would get twinges of it at times but I no longer believed that he really cared about me. I kept hoping for that but I came to accept that for him it doesn’t matter what your name is. You are there to fill a role and to play the part. If he gets bored of you he just looks for the next in line. In my case he was auditioning someone in front of me for months. I will never date another man who is always scanning the room for the next conquest. It makes me nauseated thinking about it.
Sometimes I wish I could change this story but the only thing I can change right now is me. I am getting better every single day and I am growing. I feel like I am getting to know myself better and I am continuing to take better care of myself. I will come out of this stronger than ever and I will have shed things and people that no longer have a place in my life. I still struggle some days. It is hard to accept that after 2 years it just ended in dishonesty. I think that is the hard part. Why couldn’t he have just been honest? It is why my faith in the communities I am involved in has been shaken. I will regain that faith. I do however stick by my statement that poly is not for me. I will never go back to that life.