I used to think I wanted to die because I felt unlovable and like there was something deeply wrong with me. Every man I was ever with cheated on me, left me for someone else, abused me or just did not feel strongly about me. I took that all on myself. I always thought it was me. But the things people do have nothing to do with us. I have learned much over these 56 years and the biggest lesson I have learned is that I do not need to end my life because someone hurt me by their choices. I cannot take their choices personally. It makes me sad that more than once I have entertained ending my bright, beautiful light because a relationship ended. Today I was in Wegmans and I started having intrusive thoughts about my most recent relationship. Before too long there was a movie going on in my head about some of the things that happened and I was building up hatred towards everyone involved. Then I took a nosedive and I started thinking about how living like this for the rest of my life was just not worth it. I never smile anymore, I am numb and I have no excitement for life. Right now I am thinking I never want to take another chance on a relationship. It is just not worth the pain and they always end anyway. I was spiraling out of control in my head. I walked out with my groceries and fantasies about how something could happen to just end it all for me. Then I got home and I thought to myself “snap out of it!” There is no reason to go back to that dark place. I am an amazing woman who has made the mistake of picking people who appear to want to put out my light and keep me down. It’s like swimming with someone who tries to push your head under water all the time and then laughs about it when you come up for air and tries to convince you this is fun. I feel like that is exactly what I experienced the past two years. At first I was having fun but then I was fighting to get my head above the water and being told how silly I was to think I might be drowning. I have never had this much clarity at the end of a relationship.
I am still struggling. I have so many more things I want to write but I just don’t have the energy to finish…. I think I just need to rest and take care of myself.