Sometimes we are in the valley, a darker place of contemplation. At times it is even darker and underground. I am there right now. It is a dark quiet place where the voices in my head just overtake me sometimes and the squirrels just pile on me. This morning I got stuck in a place of pain and just felt frozen. The squirrels had me tied down like Gulliver and were chattering away. I forget when I am in that dark place that this is was a good choice. I cried again. I need to be clear about something. Yes, a small percentage of those tears are for the relationship I ended but it is not for the reason you may think. It is because I was so disappointed in this person as a human being. But when I really think about it I have to just forgive and move on. He told me many times that he was way more broken than I could ever understand. He told me the only thing he could promise was the fact that he would hurt me and he kept that promise. The majority of the tears are for the years I have lost in relationships where I was trying to fix someone. I honestly believed if I loved them enough they could be cured and would wake up and say thank you and I love you too. It never happens. But here is the biggest lesson I have learned. I have chosen people with the same wounds I have. It is like looking at a mirror image of my soul. I have been trying to fix myself by trying to fix other people. In the process I lose myself every time and instead of getting better I am wounded all over again.
The last couple of days I have been fantasizing about having a robot partner. You know like in the science fiction movies where it is so real it is hard to imagine it is a robot. One that would love me unconditionally and not leave me for someone else. But the thing is I have been with a robot who had no real feelings. I used to make jokes about it to him. He admitted that he felt like one at times. It is not fulfilling and after awhile I totally disconnected myself. So my fantasy of a robot that would never hurt me is false. It would hurt me because the love would never be real and it would be the same as I have experienced over and over in my life. I don’t want that. I want real, when I am ready. I am not ready yet.
So what is the lesson here? I just have to focus on loving myself. I need to remember what an amazing bright soul I have and what I have to give to the world. If I partner up with someone it will only knock me off my path again. If I give myself to someone I will just have my light dulled again and I will lose my focus. I have to stay focused. I need to make a plan and that is what I am going to focus on now. I have something to do in this life and I am running out of time. I can see the light to the path that will lead me to the mountaintop from down here and I am putting on my hiking boots. I will climb that mountain and look back at the cave in this valley as an experience that was worth every moment. For now I need to stop looking at my feet as I walk through this place and see the beauty of the cave and the valley. This place of protection is full of wonderful lessons. It is a place I can rest and reflect. Like Inanna I will endure and come out of this place of darkness changed.