I know it will get better.
I keep reminding myself that I did not give up a diamond it was more like a turd sprinkled with glitter. It is still a turd no matter how you try to dress it up.
My heart hurts…well actually it feels like my heart has been scooped out of my chest with an ice cream spoon. I just feel raw. I feel like I am on auto pilot most of the time. I am tortured by intrusive thoughts about things I cannot change. I keep reminding myself that I am worthy of love and I have much to give. I was loving and I shared everything I had. I have to let go because I am being dragged by the past. I am being dragged by memories and questions and wishing for a different outcome. I am sinking into a bog of bullshit. The truth is I would not want that relationship back. If I was suddenly transported back into that relationship I would be instantly anxious and miserable. The last few months I did not look forward to my days with him and I dreaded going out with him. I just wanted to stay at home and be with him. It felt safe that way. I was trying to push back the inevitable.
I am really contemplating being a single person for the rest of my life. Not because I am bitter but because I have spent the better part of 56 years coupled up. I think I had my first boyfriend in pre-school. None of them ended well and when I am not mourning a relationship I was pretty happy just having close friends. I think it would be a good choice for me. It is a struggle sometimes because our society has everything set up for couples. When you are single people are always trying to set you up with someone. If you are single you don’t get the best prices and people look at you like “awww look at that person eating alone they must be so sad.” But I truly believe some of us are just better off being our own soul mate. I have some great friends. I need to work on being my own best friend.
So I am going to pack up my glitter kit and stop trying to sprinkle glitter on every turd that smiles at me. I just end up smeared with shit and having to hose off in the end.