30 days no contact

Today marks 30 days of no contact.  I have not looked at his Facebook, called him, texted him or sent an email.  I have also heard nothing from him which is a good thing.   I think if I heard from him right now it would send me into a panic attack.  I am not ready to see him or hear his voice.  I don’t know if I ever will be ready.  I cannot even interact with people who are still in touch with him or hang out with him at Vertex.  I don’t want to have any chance of mingling with his energy even second hand.  That says so much about how much damage this relationship did to me.  I just keep repeating to myself when I start having euphoric recall “I am so grateful to no longer be in an emotionally abusive relationship.”  Some people may think I am being harsh calling it that but you have no idea the private hell I was living in.  I kept it quiet because I was ashamed that I was putting up with it.  I did not want people to know that the seemingly strong Rauncie was allowing a man to slowly torture her to feeling suicidal on a regular basis.  I did not want people to know that I was shutting down emotionally and withdrawing more and more every week.  I did not want people to know that my PTSD had been triggered and the anxiety I was experiencing was leading to black out drinking.  I did not want anyone to know that he was never there for me when I needed him emotionally.  I did not want people to know these things.  I seem so strong on the outside but on the inside I am soft and full of pain right now.

I was thinking this morning about our culture and hooking up with people.  My dog takes more time picking a place to take a shit than people do picking out someone to take home from the club.  It is all based on the chemicals in our body.  We pick people and then try to make them fit our expectations.  It leads to relationships that we spend more time thinking about getting out of than we do enjoying the relationship.  It leads to people being hurt because an attraction that someone cannot get out of their system becomes an obsession.   I am just done with this kind of life.  I loved dressing up and going to the club and dancing.  I miss it.  I will not be able to step foot in my beloved club for months and when I finally do, if I do, I am sure that I will have on my armor and a costume I can hide behind…because that is what I do.  The difference will be that the next time someone asks me out and I tell them I just want to be friends I will not cave because they have pretty eyes and can dance.  It is all just an allusion.  As soon as the lights are turned on and real life has to be faced it all falls apart.  I need to dance with myself because I am the only person I can trust to be there for me.  But I may never go back to that life.  There is a darkness, emptiness and sadness that permeates it and sucks you in so easily.  Now that I no longer drink and I have shed the relationship that was stealing my life I cannot imagine being there to watch it happen to other people.

I am learning so much about myself and I am changing in this cocoon.  It is still dark in here and the change hurts like hell but I am coming out of this with wings.   My wings were torn from me this past year but I will fly again and this time I won’t allow anyone close enough to ever take them from me again.