I have been reading a lot about gratitude.  Gratitude is probably saving my ass right now.  Every morning I think about how incredibly lucky I am.  I have a job that pays me well.  I have a beautiful home with a wonderful friend.  I have a dog who adores me and is a wonderful companion.  I don’t have any serious health issues.  I have friends and family that I love and who love me.  My frustration comes from this deep seated fear I have of losing all of this.  The moment things are good for me I get scared and when I am scared I don’t enjoy things I just try to hold onto it like the figure in the four of pentacles.

It is probably why relationships are such a bad idea for me.  The few times I have let go and decided I would just go with the flow in a relationship it has always blown up in my face.  It is like I expect that when I let out a sigh of contentment the universe will jump out from behind a chair and say “hahahaha, got you again Rauncie!  That person never loved you.  Why did you ever think anyone would?”  It has happened before.  I can remember standing on my balcony years ago thinking how lucky I was and within a matter of days I lost everything.  I don’t just think this about intimate relationships.  I think this about every relationship.  It is why  in the past I have worked myself to death trying to please people. Nothing was too much.  I would spend my last dollar if they needed something even if it meant I had nothing.  In the past I was afraid to have boundaries or ask for anything because I was terrified of being abandoned and I would find out later that even when someone agrees to what I ask for they resent me for asking and end up breaking the agreement anyway.   I am not talking about major asks either.  I am talking about things like “Don’t pursue other women in front of me.”  “Communicate with me if there is an issue.”  “Keep a commitment with me even if something more interesting comes up or at least let’s see if we can compromise on it.”  I am so frustrated with relationships in general because how can I ever know for sure that someone is doing something because they want to or not if they are not honest.   It makes me crazy.   Well, maybe the problem is not just me which is where I was going with this right at this moment.  Once again I was taking on the blame.  The squirrels were chanting “It must have been something you did”  The squirrels never think it could have been the person who was acting like an immature child who wanted to keep the cake and eat all the other cakes too…in front of me.   It is no wonder I literally get physically ill when I think about certain memories, places or people.  It is hard to explain to people how PTSD manifests in physical reactions like this.  I have had nights in the past months where I could not leave the bathroom because I knew if I did I would just throw up again.  I would just lay on the floor feeling like I could not breath and reciting mantras to try to stop it.

So….fuck you universe.  I am not letting you get me again.  I don’t believe in the future anymore.  Everything is temporal.  Everything is just right now.  There is no future.  There is no tomorrow.  The only thing I can count on is the breath I am taking right this moment.  I can only trust myself.   Hmmm It seems like I have heard all this before.  I have heard it may be the answer to peace.  Let go…