Well in my case everything. I know for me that love and trust must be present for me to enjoy any kind of true intimacy. I have spent my life being intimate for two reasons.
- Because I felt obligated to
- Because I love them
The first one is quite sad and I have to say is probably the majority of my interactions when I was younger and even into recent years. For some reason as a young woman I felt obligated to have sex even if I did not want to because I felt guilt if I aroused a man. I would disconnect mentally in those situations and the only joy I got out of it was I felt I was making someone else happy. I however was not happy. The second reason is what happened when I was intimate with someone I liked. It would not be long before I loved them and then not long after that I was hurt because in almost all cases the love was not returned. I have a knack for picking emotionally unavailable men. There has to be a reason for that and I am pretty sure I have figured it out. I don’t love myself so I do not trust men who truly show love for me and respect me. I pick men who reject me and could care less if I drop over tomorrow because they only want what I can give right now until they find something better. Subconsciously my reasoning is they are safer but in fact they are dangerous to my heart and only cause me more pain and more scarring. So I have made a choice about this whole thing. It is a big undertaking but I feel it is something I must do. The next 9 months are dedicated to getting to know me better and healing. I have been celibate for 3 months and I am going to continue that for another 9. I want at least one year with no sexual contact. I think I need a cleansing and a new start. I never want to be with another person who is not emotionally available. I never want to have sex again because I feel obligated. I want to be able to trust the right people and not give myself to someone who only wants to use me.
I have also come to a very important conclusion about myself. People think because of my festival and my openness that I am all kinds of things. I did try poly and found it was not for me. I want someone who adores me and does not need to have three other women to be happy. I am not knocking my poly friends. I believe you should do what makes you happy. It does not make me happy. I am a Queen at heart and I need someone who loves me as deeply as I love. Right now that makes me almost cringe thinking about it because I am still working through my issues of loving myself. Someday I am going to be OK with being loved that deeply because it is truly what I want. I am a work in progress.
I have to give a few things up to progress in my life. I am leveling up to a new way of living. So goodbye to… Vertex, fuckboys, pity parties, feeling obligating and caring what anyone says about my choices. I don’t want to be touched until I am ready to be touched. I am off limits until I am ready to open up again.
Universe….let’s do this.