Monthly Archives: March 2018

It really is ok to be sad sometimes.  It is ok to regret things you have done.  It is ok to cry till snot runs all over the place and you feel like you cannot breath.  It is ok to let all of that sadness out.  In fact it feels good.  After I cry I sleep.  After I cry I feel relief.  I need to stop holding that shit in for days.

As stated in an earlier post I made today I refuse to let others dictate to me what I should feel.  I am a deeply passionate loving person.  I love deeply and when I lose a love I mourn.  I have been mourning for three months.  Actually I was mourning before that but I did not realize it.  I have been mourning myself.

So here I am and as you can see from my eyes…I am sad but I am building up a flame inside and I am rising again.  I am working hard on all those things through all the years that have kept me down.  I have learned that if I want to be happy I have to have boundaries and I have to love myself.   It is just a fact.   I will love myself as fiercely as I have loved those who have walked away.  I deserve this love.

I’m back.

Rauncie sad

Though I agree it is good to be positive I also feel it is important to embrace your emotions. I was listening to a pod cast yesterday and the guy was talking about how positive thinking does not always help and here is why..

1. You need to embrace all your emotions….grief, sadness, anger…Those emotions are there for a reason and repressing them is not good. Repressing emotions causes illness and it also keeps us stuck. Grief and sadness helps us to learn to be compassionate for others. Anger can help us to take action. I will not be shamed by anyone for feeling my emotions. I honor what my body and my heart is telling me. When I am sad I will be sad and when I am angry I will be angry. Those are the things that will bring true healing for me. Just sucking it up and spouting positive affirmations is not going to get it for me. I will just carry garbage filled baggage into my next adventure if I do that. Our society for some reason has this mentality that you need to just get over it. The getting over is a process and I don’t believe we get over I believe we go through it and learn from it. It takes longer for some than others. I am taking the time to mourn and be angry about all the things I have drug around for years. This is not about being a victim this is about being brave. It hurts like hell and it would be easier to just skip around and smile and pretend I don’t cry at night. But in the end it will lead to the skipping and then the smile will be genuine.

2. You are not your thoughts. I know people say thoughts become things but not all thoughts are reality. They are not as powerful as we think. Our subconscious leads us many times and we are acting before we even think. If my thoughts were reality I would not be alive at this moment. Fuck that noise in my head. I am fighting it some days and rocking it to sleep others. It chatters like a mofo and acts like it is on speed most days. It is set off by the tiniest thing at times. It makes up stories about the people I love. It tells me noone likes me and the most innocent text is turned into a day long drama according to my thoughts. But I am NOT my thoughts. If I were they would have to straight jacket me and put me away forever to keep me from slashing myself to pieces. My thoughts are not nice….my thoughts hate me….my thoughts want to hurt me and end me.

So what now?
Well a true alchemist transforms with love. I must love myself. I must accept all those emotions and thoughts and transform them. If I reject them completely I am just putting off my healing. I need to look at them and find the root. I also need to be able to get beyond thinking and act instinctively. I need to remember to look in the mirror and tell myself that I am a good human being and I have lots of life left to live. I have lots of things to do and if I help myself maybe someone will look at me and say “hey she was able to do it maybe I can too.” I need to be compassionate and understanding but hold fast to my boundaries. I also need to be willing to reexamine those boundaries as I transform and grow. Nothing is ever set in stone and things change in life as we grow.

So I am on chapter 56 of this amazing life…lets see what happens.

Every morning I am making a vow to myself. I vow to comfort myself during times of hopelessness, depression, disillusionment or any difficulty that arises. I vow to be my beloved always and in all ways. I vow to never again settle for anything but first place in a romantic partnership. I vow to never abandon or lose myself completely in romance. I vow to live my life to the fullest. I vow to honor my spiritual path and create an amazing life. I vow to honor my calling and live my life as a work of art. I vow to listen to my inner voice of wisdom and honor my story. I vow to truly be there for myself and to grow and blossom into the most alive, beautiful and happy person I can be.

I don’t know when it happened but somewhere along the way I started to feel I only deserved the left overs…the crumbs in life. If someone wants to truly be with me they will prove themselves. They will be strong, confident, passionate and a completely honest person with integrity. They will be passionate about me and completely devoted. I will not settle for less and if that means being alone then so mote it be.