So I have come to a conclusion. I have been doing it wrong. I have been working to keep this heart shaped wound from closing up.
I have spent the last four months mourning over what I lost. I made this choice because I was miserable and I know I was. The thing is when I ended it I also lost my identity from the last two years. I used to be half of that striking couple on the dance floor. I used to spend Saturday mornings making breakfast together and going for a walk in the woods. I used to dance until 4 in the morning and sleep in all tangled up together. I used to walk in the door and see him and feel so incredibly happy….but…. I also used to cry myself to sleep every single Sunday. Sometimes I never got out of bed on Sunday. I used to be tortured wondering if he was going to come back because of some vague answer he gave me about scheduling. I used to feel abandoned and not good enough because some nights he spent the entire time we were on the dance floor dancing with someone else and there were other things I just cannot talk about. He never told me he loved me and missing someone…he just didn’t do that….but….I still cared for him deeply. I loved him despite those things that hurt me. What does that say about me?
This is not just about him. This is about my entire life. I have never given myself the chance to really heal from any relationship. I have gone from one to another. I understand why he is fine. He went directly into another relationship so there was no open loop for him. He looped right into someone else. I have been trying to connect with something that no longer exists and it just feels like this constant searching for something that is missing. I watched a ted talk this morning about heartbreak and it made me stop and do some serious thinking. He said if you want to heal you have to make a new life. You cannot just mourn for what you lost and if you feel you have lost your identity it is because your identity was a couples identity. I know that has always been true for me. Everything I did I did with him and when he was not with me I was not doing much of anything but waiting to see him. So now I am tasked with building this new life. I am giving up the places that were our places and trying to find new places that I can feel comfortable. I have tried a few things and did not like them but I will keep trying.
I do know this. I am done with dating and having a bf. I want to learn to be alone. I want to be happy with my own company. I want to put energy into my friendship with my housemate and my close female friends. I want to grow a group with my friend that we recently started. I want to spend time with my children and grandchildren. I want to be outdoors and cook pizza in an outdoor oven. I want to sit around the fire in the backyard and at the camp site. I want to learn to make brooms and howl at the moon with Mr. B and Kitos. I want to travel to Iceland, Ireland, England, Paris, India, Australia, New Zealand, Japan, New Orleans, California, Oregon, Washington State, Salem, Colorado, Minnesota, ….so so many places. I have so many things I want to do and I have a wonderful friend to do that with. My focus now is to build my own business and fill my life with laughter again.
It will take time but I will grow from this.