Monthly Archives: April 2018

I have always struggled with creating boundaries and sticking to them.  I was always afraid in doing so people would walk away from me.  This is how I lose myself.  I don’t ever want to lose myself again.  I have certain boundaries for anyone I would even consider dating for the future.  The thing is…I am not sure I ever want to date again.  It is something I am putting considerable thought into.  I always rush in and I see others do the same.  It is not a good thing.  If we jump into a relationship during the first 6 months we are still riding the wave of chemicals.  We are not stepping back to see if this person is really someone you want to be with.  I will never do that again.  I am back to being the Ice Queen who disappears when someone shows too much interest.  I should have done that two years ago…but I learned from that mistake.   There were some wonderful times but the bad truly outweighs the good in this case.  Sadly I am still mourning the good and am struggling to remind myself of why it was so bad.

I know I have talked about moving on for weeks but I must admit I was still holding on to some hope that things could be different.  I spent the entire day yesterday on the couch crying off and on because I was struggling between what my monkey brain was telling me I wanted and what is truly good for my own mental health.  I think this is normal. But I am done with that.  I have to move on.  I cannot ever be someones maybe, or second or third or whenever I have nothing else to do.  I know what that feels like.  It is not what I want for my life.  I want to be loved in the way that I love.  I want to have someone who is happy to see me and considers me a priority.   I don’t expect to be first because we should always make ourselves our first priority however I do expect to be treated in a manner that lets me know I am valued and above all I expect honesty.

I am in a relationship.  I am in a platonic committed relationship with my housemate Keith.  That probably sounds strange but it is what I need in my life right now.  I need someone who cares about me and who is willing to allow me to work on myself.  We are however completely platonic and that works for us.  He is my domestic partner and my very best friend.

So for now I am just going to focus on myself.  I have to get busy doing all the things I need to make myself shine.  🙂