I have to remind myself that it is true that it always seems darkest before the dawn. I have had way more good days lately than bad. I am grateful for that. On Wednesday night I had a great time but struggled with some feelings of resentment. On Thursday I had a weird dizzy, double vision almost feinting attack. I think it may have been a panic attack. It scared me. As much as I want to die sometimes in that moment I thought “I’m not ready to go yet I have things I need to tell people and things I need to do first.” So I am working on that. I am working on telling people how much I love them and making time to spend time with people again. Friday used to be my favorite night of the week and then it became the worst for the past year. I am trying to reclaim Fridays as a day to look forward to again. It is hard not to feel bitter on some days. I feel that certain people who treated me terribly should be exposed for their behavior. It seems though that people already know. They stop me in the store, hug me on the sidewalk, wave at me in public and then tell me how happy they are to see me out of that situation. I have mixed feelings about that statement. I loved this man at one time. I would have done anything for him. That is probably the root of the problem. I would have done anything for him and I sacrificed myself. His partner in cruelty brags about how wonderful her life is and I wonder how she can feel good about building something on the back of someone’s pain. She knew….she shared her pain with me at one point about a past relationship and I felt sympathy for her. I don’t anymore and I honestly hope that he breaks her heart in a million pieces because of her part in all of this. I have a right to my anger. I know it is part of the healing and someday I will let go of it but right now…I am not letting go. Whatever you have done to me may it come back on you 10 fold.
I am in touch with my inner bitch and she is pissed.