So I am on my third week of being back to work and things are great. They are not great because things changed for me or because I got what I thought I wanted months ago. Things are great because I changed my perspective.
I no longer am suffering with intense grief. I made the choice to embrace my shadow and allowed myself to grieve for months. It was cathartic and close friends were there holding the light for me the entire time. I was not able to see that light for the longest time. I was deep in the earth surrounded by dirt feeling I could not move but in fact I was growing just like a seed. That final push out into the light was incredibly painful, just like birth. So here I am finally on the other side and feeling incredibly blessed. I have learned that I can no longer give my love to people who do not love me. I need to give my time to those who show early on that they truly care about me. It is better to walk away with love than to settle for less than what makes you happy. I have also learned some more red flags to look for. If someone tells you by either words or actions that they are emotionally unavailable and will most definitely hurt you, believe it. You cannot change them. Do not waste your time. I have come a long way with this lesson. I do not think I will have to repeat that one. I am glad this chapter is finally closed and I have moved on.
I am opening my heart to allow others to love me again. I deserve love. I had convinced myself that I did not. I told myself I was broken and not worthy of devotion. I believed that I should just take what I could get. Wow…what a load of bullshit I was feeding myself. All along there have been people around me who love me. I was suspicious of them because I did not understand why anyone would love me. I felt uncomfortable when someone shared how they felt about me and I am not just talking about romantic love. I am doing my best to just accept that some people truly love me. I still struggle with it at times but my heart is singing again. I am no longer hiding out and feeling I cannot go to places I love.
I love my life. I love my life because I shifted my perspective. What I once thought would kill me has saved my life.