One year ago

I can’t believe it’s been a year

One year since I had the crushing realization that that neither of us were happy. One year since we stood facing each other on the edge of the dance floor and I asked you if you had broken our agreement and you said yes. One year since I spoke those words “It’s over, I’m ending this now” and we drove home while I tried not to have a panic attack.  One year since I sat on the floor and watched you pack up your things and leave.  One year since you said to my words about how I did not want to end things this way that you were not that into me anyway. One year since you decided that you wanted someone else you had been chasing in front of me for months but didn’t have the guts to tell me the truth about it. One year since you said if I would have just been agreeable to you having a weekend with her it would have been over quickly and we could have continued on together.  One year since you did what I knew you would do all along. One year since everything that I thought I knew and loved and wanted disappeared before my eyes. One year since my entire world came crashing down. One year since my biggest fear with you became a reality. One year since my life changed forever.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss you sometimes. I miss your laugh, your face, your hands, your hair, your smell, the sound of your voice. I miss the way we could spend an entire evening just listening to music, watching Game of Thrones or Battlestar. I miss how we would go out and spend the whole time just itching to get home and be alone together.I miss spending the day sprawled out on the sofa in our pajamas, limbs entwined. I miss how I would catch you looking at me sometimes. I miss the walks we took.  I miss the long showers together or laying in the bathtub on a Sunday. I miss the trips we took together and the time we spent at the festival. I miss the stupid voices and faces that you would do to make me laugh. Imiss coming home to you cooking in the kitchen. I miss the questions you would ask me that would keep me thinking for days.  I miss watching you sleep next tome.  I miss coming home and seeing you walking down the street with B and smiling when you would see me.  I miss dancing with you until 3 or 4 in the morning.  I miss loving you with all my being.

But there’s a lot that I don’t miss about you, too. I don’t miss how you would sometimes push me away in the night.  I don’t miss how you would barely communicate with me at times. I don’t miss how you always seemed so far away, so unreachable. I don’t miss how you would only text me when you had something to tell me. I don’t miss how you didn’t check in with me, even when you knew I was struggling. I don’t miss that when I was rushed to the hospital you never took the time to come and be with me because it was not my day with you.  I don’t miss that when I was dangerously under the influence to numb myself to what you were doing that you took advantage of that to do even more things…and then laugh about it to my face.  I don’t miss how you never took the time to find out how I was feeling. I don’t miss the dark parts of you that scared me. I don’t miss how you shut down emotionally whenever something was difficult. I don’t miss how little you seemed to miss me when I wasn’t around.I don’t miss feeling lonely when I was lying in bed next to you. I don’t miss how uninterested you seemed in getting to know me. I don’t miss desperately trying – and failing – to connect with you when you seemed distant. I don’t miss how I never really knew where I stood with you. I don’t miss how you could make me feel so loved one minute but so invisible the next. I don’t miss always feeling like an afterthought. I don’t miss that you never told me you loved or missed me.  I don’t miss the fact that you identify as someone who always lies. I don’t miss being constantly scared that you would change your mind and choose someone else. And then you did.

But I forgive you. I know you did your best.I did too. I guess our best just wasn’t good enough. I should have believed you the first time you told me that you couldn’t give me what I needed. I should have believed you when you said that you just transfer on to the next person and do the same thing over and over.  I Should have believed you when you told me that that only promise you would make me was that you would hurt me.  I don’t regret any of it. Not one single second. The time we spent together was painful, beautiful, scary, magical, torturous, intense, passionate, confusing,indulgent, wild. It made me who I am today. And if it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have been able to learn everything that I’ve learned. When you walked out the door that last day, I was forced to face up to the reality of my choices. I was forced to wake up to some truths about myself I had been running from for many years.  Turns out I made some really bad choices.But choosing you wasn’t one of them. You might not have been good for me or right for me. I might have ignored all the red flags, let you keep me at arm’s length, and made excuses for all of your questionable behavior. But loving you was still one of the best experiences of my life. And my God, did I love you.