Sometimes the universe hands you a gift wrapped in something that seems at first glance to be a bag of flaming shit left on your porch. After examining the recent gift the universe gave me I have come to realize that first impressions are truly not always right. I was angry all weekend. Today I am feeling relieved and free. This gift of sight of the truth in my life has freed me from some chains I had crafted myself. My undying loyalty to people who have never been or never would be loyal to me is one of my major flaws. I would try to save someone who was trying to kill me. That is not just an analogy, I have actually done that. It has always been my nature. But I can’t do that anymore. This part of my nature is self destructive and my overwhelming longing to be loved and accepted has done nothing but cause me pain for 57 years. I have allowed treachorous people in my life who used me. I have allowed things to go on around me that I should never have allowed all with the motivation of “if I am good to them they will love me.” It has never worked, not even once.
I am not sure why it started. I could site many things that happened to me as a child, a teenager and a young adult but why should I dig those bones back up? I cannot change those events. I cannot change those people. I cannot make those people love me. What I can do is stop blaming myself and looking for what was wrong with me that made them chose to betray or abandon me. I am not perfect. I know that. I have made many mistakes and I own that. However, I will not take on the blame when it is not mine and from this day forward I will do my best not to beat myself up over the past. I have been fighting this same battle for years now and sometimes I win and sometimes I just give up and let it take me over. I am getting older and more tired of it. I am ready to put my weapons down and walk away. Things or people who are not giving the same amount of love to me are not worth my time. I don’t have to be friends with my enemies. I don’t have to be friends with those who still have knives in my back. I always thought I did. I don’t have to anymore. I want peace in my life. I will move on and find places and people who I can trust. There are not many of them but even if I have just one or two that is enough for me.