It’s Over

On Friday night December 15th, I found out my bf had made the choice to break a very serious agreement we had.  I broke up with him.  I had second thoughts right away.  I started panicking and the thought of him moving his stuff out seemed terrible and overwhelming.  I was crying like I was the one who had been broken up with.  He did not seem to feel anything about it.  Of course, that is never the complete case…we don’t know what a person is feeling.  I think both of us knew it was time to move on.  I am struggling with the break up.  This was the right thing to do.  I know that but it does not stop the pain.

So, it is now a few days later.  I got sick with a virus immediately and am still down with it.  I was lucky enough to have my housemate and friends with me throughout the weekend and my friend Nina stayed overnight with me for three nights in a row.   I was so sick I could not get out of bed without feeling dizzy and nauseated and I have lost 8 pounds.

He took his stuff over two days.  I guess I expected at least some resistance from him but there was none.  The first day he came he made dinner for the house and then he packed things and his mom picked him up.  We sat on the floor before she arrived and I told him that I was thankful for the two years we had together and I had learned much from our time.  I let him know I would miss him and that I felt we were doing the right thing even though it was hard.  I will keep his words back to me private.   Two days later he came back for the rest of his things in his other gf’s car and quickly loaded it all up.  We hugged and said we should not have contact for a while but in the future, we would hug again as friends and then he was gone.

I cannot lie.  When he drove away I was devastated.  He had been my lover for two years and though there were times he was not there when I needed him there were times he held me close and I felt everything was going to be ok.

But you know what? That is that old fairy tale bullshit kicking back in.  The real truth to all this is that I was unhappy for many months.  I loved him at one point but I know now I loved him too much.  At the end of my drinking I was black out drinking to deal with behavior in front of me that was breaking my heart.   Then I made the choice to stop drinking and over this past summer my love started to wane.  As I got better I realized what I had been doing to myself.  I had lost myself to keep him.  I cared deeply for him but I had allowed him to cross boundaries that were the core of my being.  I could not admit that and I stubbornly held on.  I just wish we could have both been honest.  It would have saved both of us pain.  I allowed things I would not normally have allowed when I was going through my recovery because I was vulnerable and not able to break it off.   So, on October 31st I gave him an ultimatum about this behavior and he agreed to it.  He broke the agreement 5 weeks later.  Maybe that was his way of ending it.  He knew my bottom line statement was “break this agreement and our relationship ends immediately”.  There was just too much pain attached to his behavior to accept it anymore.

So, what have I learned from this?

Never lose myself again.

Never allow someone to hurt me in this way again.

Love myself fiercely and call on my friends for support and help.

Poly is not for me.

I can’t write anymore.  I am too raw and I am still hurting.  I will be healing for a while.  Send me love …I need it.