This is a hard entry for me to make.  I started this blog because I want to be totally open about my struggles and revelations I have about myself.  Some of my revelations just floor me.  I had one this past week.  I had someone try to explain this to me once but I could not quite understand what he was saying.  Sometimes you have to experience it in a way that is slaps you in the face.  That is what happened.  I am thankful he tried to explain it and I wish I could have understood it then rather than have this humiliating way of learning a lesson.  I don’t think I have had many lessons that were not the universe hitting me with a 2 x 4 because sometimes I don’t see my faults.

I have been told I have a charismatic energy that attracts people in many situations.  I am bigger than life.  I dress in costumes sometimes and draw attention and can hold attention if I choose to or keep myself untouchable and distant.     There are people who adore me and people who hate me.  I realize that is true for all of us.  But I know there is a responsibility that comes with being a person that others look up to or admire.  If you are a person who is a mentor, leader or a charismatic personality people will follow your lead and they will believe you when you say something (at least some of the time).  I say all this to lead into my story of the hat and what really happened.

On Friday I thought someone had taken my hat.  I was positive I had walked in with my hat and had it with my coat.  I could see in my mind walking in with it on my head and someone saying “your hat is so cute”.  I remembered talking to people about my hat and having it with my coat.  When I told people it was missing they said “omg I saw you with it on this morning”  “Noooo I remember you telling us about it”  I just knew I had the hat that morning and now it was gone.  I was heartbroken and others were sad for me and they were trying to find the hat too.  I spoke with someone through text about the hat and she said she would ask around and try to find out who had the hat.  I told my roommate about it and we both cursed about the fact that someone would take my beloved hat.  When I went to walk my dog I went to where I kept my hats and took another hat down and put it on and sighed to myself “I wish my hat was here”  and went out for a walk with my dog.  I looked up at the moon and made a wish that the person who had it would be as happy with it as I was.    When I returned from the walk I stood in amazement because my hat was hanging on the hook I had just taken the hat I was wearing from.  I had looked at that exact spot and had not seen it when I went out.  I was confused and thought I must be crazy.  I called my roommate over and told him and we both felt confused and also guilty that we had been cursing someone for stealing a hat that had never left the house.

So what really happened?  I started googling things about false memories.  Then I started tracing my steps in my mind again.  I suddenly remembered that I had in fact taken my ear muffs instead because I had my hair pulled up with a clip and my hat would not fit over it.  Everything I imagined in my mind about the hat and that day was all my imagination and not only had I believed it wholeheartedly everyone else had memories that were not true as well.   I was blown away.  I remembered what this person had said to me about how I had this ability to make people believe what I said and to persuade people easily.   I realize that in some cases this can be a good thing if you are using it in a positive way but this just felt awful to me.  I did not do it on purpose but I stopped and thought hard about how I must be extra careful about things I think are true.  I have done this same thing in regards to judging a person thinking I knew for certain their motives or how they are when in fact my judgement was based on past experience and not on them at all.  I immediately wrote an apology to someone I felt I had done that too recently.   I felt heartbroken over it.  I felt angry at myself that I did not see this before or understand.  I remember he said that I must know I am doing it… but I know that when I have done it that it was a learned behavior that at one time may have saved my life.  Being able to persuade someone in whatever way I could to not hurt me was a skill I learned and used for several years.  When I am afraid, when I am hurt, when I am focused on thinking everyone wants to use, leave or hurt me…..this defensive skill is my fall back.  He was right.  I did know on some level what I was doing but it was not out of malice it was out of self preservation.  I must be vigilant and examine myself more thoroughly when I am afraid before I speak and cause hurt and embarrassment to myself and others.

I am not sure what I am going to do with this.  I feel like I have been laid bare and open and I am ashamed.   I want to grow.  I want to continue to be a better person.  I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore and I don’t want to continue to hurt myself by pushing away people who care about me.  I will continue to write about this as I process it.  If this has made sense to you in anyway I would like to hear your feedback.  If you do not want to write it here you can email me at goddessphoenixmedusa at gmail.  I would love to hear from you.

Adding on after posting:

I felt right away I needed to add something.  I am taking full responsibility for my actions.  I am not in anyway trying to excuse myself because of my issues.  I am working on making changes not making excuses.  After rereading it I thought someone may think I was making excuses.  I am extremely hard on myself internally.   I feel I have been in the wrong in many situations that I cannot change now but I can do my best to make amends.