My name is Rauncie and I am a witch.
What is a witch? For me being a witch is to be a wise woman or man who knows their own heart. It is someone who looks inside for answers. It is someone who is not afraid to look in the mirror. But something happened a few years ago and I laid down the mirror. I began to look for happiness in other people. I wanted to have a chance to live something I had never experienced before. As a young woman I never really had the chance to live a normal life. I was not allowed to date and if I did go out there was all this guilt following me out the door like I was doing something wrong. I never learned how to really date people or have boundaries. What I did learn was how to get into relationships way too fast. I married at 17 and had my son two weeks before I turned 18. I did not do well in marriage and I was constantly searching for some kind of validation from men. The men who responded to this in almost every case turned out to be men who were looking for a thrill and never stuck around. I was a woman who had attachment issues who always attracted men who had commitment issues. This just added to my issue of being rejected and needed validation. Six years ago I left my marriage and started a relationship with someone much younger than me. It was one of the most amazing exciting relationships I had ever experienced. I traveled with him. I fell deeply in love. The red flags were there but I ignored them. When we split up I was devastated. Close to a year later I started another relationship with a man. I swore I would not allow myself fall in love and I would keep boundaries. That is not what happened. I fell in love with him and then I completely laid down my cloak of power and did whatever I felt I needed to in order to keep him happy. I was happy when I was with him and miserable when I was not. I finally made some boundaries and then when he crossed them I broke it off. I hit a huge bottom in that moment. I felt like my heart had just been broken open and all this pain was pouring out and I could not stop it. I did not sleep for weeks. I had suicidal thoughts. I met with him on several occasions after the break up and we talked about seeing each other again. Thankfully that did not happen and we both decided it was a bad idea for many reasons. But I wanted him because I wanted to stop hurting. I wanted him because I missed him. He was my family for two years. I had forgotten all the things that had hurt me in those two years. I had forgotten how I was left out of things, left behind, humiliated and how it ended so badly. I forgot about all the unanswered heart felt letters I wrote him when I was with him. I forgot about the lies and the hurtful words. I had forgotten about the times I was in a very bad place and I was all alone. I must stop here and say it was not all bad. He did many wonderful things for me. He is not an evil person. I loved this man. I hope that someday that is all I will remember when I think of him. I don’t want to go on feeling bitter.
But in the midst of all this I forgot who I was.
I am a witch.
I am a powerful witch with a story to tell.
I have the ability to make changes in my life. I threw all that away at one point for love and in the end I ended up alone and heartbroken. Maybe it is true that in order to heal we have to break things open completely. That day 5 months ago I stood at the edge of the dance floor and broke my own heart. It had to be done. I knew that it meant taking a journey to the underworld of pain and darkness but I was ready to strip myself of all the trappings of life and do it. So I spiraled into the darkness and I made the choice to not reach out to anyone else until I had felt every single moment. I picked up the mirror and took a long look. I am my own Goddess. I am the one who holds my happiness. I will not find it in the eyes of another. Love is a trickster. It will cause us to do things that will destroy us sometimes. I almost allowed myself to be destroyed. I will not allow that again. My true equal will love me as I am, flaws and all. But here is the thing…I think I have found my true flame and it is me. I do not need someone to be happy. I have good friends, several very close friends, supportive family, a sweet dog and I have a home I love. I need to lay down this pain I have been carrying like a rotting dead corpse and move on. I have been the most afraid of that because once I move on it is over for me. The love will be gone and the thought of that makes me weep at night. I think I have held out on the fact that maybe…..just maybe…. But there is no maybe for this situation. It truly is not something that lifts me up. It is something that tears me down. But there is more to it than that. It is the fear that I will never feel that kind of love again. I have felt deep love and I am grateful for that. If I never feel it again I at least know what it feels like. So… I must move on. The road is wide open and I hear the whisper of my calling again. I am afraid. I will not lie. My cloak seems unfamiliar to me. I put it on and then take it back off thinking I no longer deserve it but that will not stop me. I am going to wear it and chant the words of my heart once again…
Round and Round and Round we go,
Look into my eyes and know,
That Life is death and death is birth,
Such is the way of mother earth,
If you are afraid hold on tight,
We are turning, turning darkness into light
It is time to reconnect with myself. It is time to chant and dance around the fire with my sisters and brothers. It is time to let go of the hope of going back and changing the past. It is time to pick up my cloak, staff and my little dog and start a new journey.
I may need to make some serious changes that will make it seem I have disappeared. I have not. I am just dancing under the moon. Join me if you dare.
My name is Rauncie and I am a witch. I am a powerful, strong woman.
I love myself and I love you for who you are.
If you love the picture above you can click on it and it will take you to the deviant art site. It is Tarot:Fool by Iscalox