I really hate Mondays. I always have. I have tried to love them. I have done the fake it till you make it, dressed as best as I could, sang in the shower and smiled so I would feel better and none of it works. I can remember a time when I loved Mondays. I know why I feel this way. I am not doing anything to change the world in the job I do. I am grateful for my job and I love the place I work for the most part but I keep asking with every single thing I am tasked with “Why are we doing this?”. I want to really help people. I do not feel like I am doing that. I spend 40 hours at a job that is sucking the life out of me. It was not always that way. At one time I was very busy on campus doing things for students and I even won an award for my work with students. But one day a couple of years ago that all changed and I was oppressed and stopped from doing things because it was not something directly for my office. I stopped caring after that. Why do people feel they have to put your light out in order to shine? Can’t we all shine together? I want to feel that joy for my job again. For now I am counting the days till I can retire.
I am having a hard time today. I was having a hard time yesterday. I cried myself to sleep last night and I woke up feeling like I just did not want to go another day. I know it will get better. It has to get better.