It will get better

That is what he said.

I don’t believe it.  Right now it seems it will never get better.  My heart hurts and I only laugh when I am home talking with my housemate and my dog.  It is the only time I feel safe…when I am home.  I feel like the world is full of people who want to use me up and throw me aside.  It is hurtful to have people say one thing to your face and something else to your back.  It is hurtful to have people offer to help you and then show up when its all over asking what they can do.  It is hurtful to have someone lie and destroy you with betrayal and go on with their life like you never existed.  It is hurtful to be replaced.  I have been carrying so much pain.  To top it all off I was rejected by someone I have been a friend to after a misunderstanding.  That was the worst thing that happened to me this week.  Well, the worst thing in addition to feeling lonely, less than and never enough.

I have felt depressed as long as I can remember.  I don’t think it will ever get better.  I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.  I have to do something to change it but it is not that easy.  I wish I could move our house away from this cursed place.  I wish I could go on a 6 month vacation so I could heal and not cry every single day.

Don’t judge me if you do not understand.  I don’t want to be this way.  It is easy to say…just snap out of it….you should not feel that way….that person is not worth it….etc etc…  The truth of the matter is that these are my feelings.  I love deeply and I hurt deeply.  It is just who I am.