I don’t feel good. I am not just talking about my heart hurting. I am talking about actual physical issues. I have nausea, a stomach ache, my chest hurts and I feel incredibly tired. Going through withdrawal of any kind is terrible. Some moments I feel like driving to the bridge downtown and throwing myself into the rushing waters. Other times I feel like sleeping forever…and then sometimes I feel OK about life. At times I feel like I am on top of the world and want to drink the tears of my enemies. The thing is I realize that I am truly dangerous to myself at times. I have no control over the ups and downs. I do things that help such as meditation, screaming NO! when I start thinking about certain things or keeping busy. I have not been creating art though and I know I need to do that. I need to go for a trip. I will be going on one next week and I am hoping it will help in so many different ways. I just need friends to hang out with me. Someone to talk to me while I clean the house or even help me when it seems overwhelming because I am hurting. Someone to go for a walk with me and talk to me when I am on the verge of crying. When I am talking to someone it is not so bad. Someone to sleep in my bed with me when I am feeling like I never want to wake up. Someone to make sure I am ok because there are times I am not ok. Yes, it is getting better. Everyday it is getting better. I think in a few months I will read this and scratch my head that I was suffering so much.
I understand why people who do addictive drugs have such a hard time stopping. Withdrawal is such a terrible thing. I am still withdrawing from the connection I once had. It feels terrible. I know it will get better and eventually I will forget the strong feelings I had for this person. There is a part of me that does not want to let go because once I stop loving ….it’s just over. I will never feel that again for this person. They will just be another person who fades into the crowd. But for a long time they were the most bright and shining person in my life. But the truth is…I need to be that bright and shining person for myself.