I don’t feel good

I don’t feel good.  I am not just talking about my heart hurting.  I am talking about actual physical issues.  I have nausea, a stomach ache, my chest hurts and I feel incredibly tired.  Going through withdrawal of any kind is terrible.  Some moments I feel like driving to the bridge downtown and throwing myself into the rushing waters.  Other times I feel like sleeping forever…and then sometimes I feel OK about life.  At times I feel like I am on top of the world and want to drink the tears of my enemies.  The thing is I realize that I am truly dangerous to myself at times.  I have no control over the ups and downs.  I do things that help such as meditation, screaming NO! when I start thinking about certain things or keeping busy.  I have not been creating art though and I know I need to do that.   I need to go for a trip.  I will be going on one next week and I am hoping it will help in so many different ways.  I just need friends to hang out with me.  Someone to talk to me while I clean the house or even help me when it seems overwhelming because I am hurting.  Someone to go for a walk with me and talk to me when I am on the verge of crying.  When I am talking to someone it is not so bad.   Someone to sleep in my bed with me when I am feeling like I never want to wake up.  Someone to make sure I am ok because there are times I am not ok.   Yes, it is getting better.  Everyday it is getting better.  I think in a few months I will read this and scratch my head that I was suffering so much.

I understand why people who do addictive drugs have such a hard time stopping.  Withdrawal is such a terrible thing.  I am still withdrawing from the connection I once had.  It feels terrible.  I know it will get better and eventually I will forget the strong feelings I had for this person.  There is a part of me that does not want to let go because once I stop loving ….it’s just over.  I will never feel that again for this person.  They will just be another person who fades into the crowd.  But for a long time they were the most bright and shining person in my life.   But the truth is…I need to be that bright and shining person for myself.