Do you like me?

I constantly wonder about this in every single relationship or friendship I have.  Because I have experienced some horrendous things in my life I find that I am always asking this question?  Why?  Well when you think someone cares about you and they suddenly walk away it makes you wonder.  I have wounds that go way back.  I just expect people to never come back.  I have this memory burned in my mind of my x walking down the hall of my building and looking back at me smiling before he turns the corner to go home after a nice date….that should be a nice memory…it is not…it is a memory that sums up all that I feel every single time someone leaves from being with me.  He is not coming back.  But he did.  He came back over and over for two years…and then he didn’t.  Now the truth of this is I know he does care about me.  I know he likes me as a person and that he cares about what happens to me….but tell my brain that tortures me every single day.  Tell my brain that brings up every single relationship I have been in that anyone cares about me.  It will laugh long and hard in your face.   This is why I know I have to heal to allow myself to be loved.  I hold people at arms length and convince them of why I am not worth loving.  Eventually they believe me and they leave.  That is the real truth and that is the hardest thing for me to accept.  I do this to myself every single fucking time.

So I will keep asking until I can get better…do you like me?  Do you really like me?