You know…it is interesting. I mourned for over 4 months. I cried at least a little every single one of those days. I had trouble sleeping. I thought of suicide a few times. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me? Why was I not good enough? I worried that this would truly be the last love I ever felt in my life… but then I woke up. It was a sudden surprising wake up. I looked around and realized it was Spring and I had survived one of the harshest emotional winters of my life. I did not throw myself into another relationship to numb myself. I did not turn to alcohol again. I had been in a deep dark cocoon working on the inside of me. This was something I had desperately needed to do for years. There were times I raged. There were times I wanted revenge. I wished with all of my heart that the people who caused me pain would suffer terribly. Then in a blink of an eye I didn’t care anymore. I actually felt sorry for them..for like 5 seconds. I do forgive them but I do this for myself. I also do it because I know I have risen to a higher place in life and they are still stuck on a level I cannot return to. However, I will not forgive and enable someone to continue to live in a way that destroys others. I will not say “it’s ok” because it is not OK. I will not utter those words again to people who hurt or insult me. I will tell my story to those who need to hear it. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am not ashamed of my past because it has made me who I am. I am glad that I am open enough to give people a chance in my life. I am also glad that I have learned to walk away when someone is damaging me. I have learned some hard lessons over the past couple of years. This past few months was dark and painful. Then there was a tiny crack and light began to pour in. I reached my hand out and pulled, the cocoon started to split and suddenly I could breath. The world is this wonderful, beautiful place again and I am soaring and leaving the pain behind. I will remember these lessons. I will not forget what brought me here. I will not forget that beautiful eyes and meaningless whispers are dangerous for me. I will stay guarded and untouchable until I find my equal. I know there is a chance that I may never find my equal and that is OK. I am no longer on a search for love or my soul mate. I do not believe in that anymore for me. It is not what I want. Fairy tales are for other people, not me. I made a vow to myself under the full moon on Beltaine eve to live for ecstasy. I will not chase or coax it. I will open my arms up and accept it. I deserve to live in pure ecstasy for the rest of my days.