I vow to live in Ecstasy

You know…it is interesting.  I mourned for over 4 months.  I cried at least a little every single one of those days.  I had trouble sleeping.  I thought of suicide a few times.  I kept asking myself what was wrong with me?  Why was I not good enough? I worried that this would truly be the last love I ever felt in my life… but then I woke up.  It was a sudden surprising wake up.  I looked around and realized it was Spring and I had survived one of the harshest emotional winters of my life.  I did not throw myself into another relationship to numb myself.  I did not turn to alcohol again.  I had been in a deep dark cocoon working on the inside of me.  This was something I had desperately needed to do for years.   There were times I raged.  There were times I wanted revenge.  I wished with all of my heart that the people who caused me pain would suffer terribly.  Then in a blink of an eye I didn’t care anymore.  I actually felt sorry for them..for like 5 seconds.   I do forgive them but I do this for myself.  I also do it because I know I have risen to a higher place in life and they are still stuck on a level I cannot return to.  However, I will not forgive and enable someone to continue to live in a way that destroys others.  I will not say “it’s ok” because it is not OK.  I will not utter those words again to people who hurt or insult me.  I will tell my story to those who need to hear it.   I am not ashamed of who I am.  I am not ashamed of my past because it has made me who I am.  I am glad that I am open enough to give people a chance in my life.  I am also glad that I have learned to walk away when someone is damaging me.  I have learned some hard lessons over the past couple of years.  This past few months was dark and painful.   Then there was a tiny crack and light began to pour in.   I reached my hand out and pulled, the cocoon started to split and suddenly I could breath.  The world is this wonderful, beautiful place again and I am soaring and leaving the pain behind.   I will remember these lessons.  I will not forget what brought me here.  I will not forget that beautiful eyes and meaningless whispers are dangerous for me.  I will stay guarded and untouchable until I find my equal.  I know there is a chance that I may never find my equal and that is OK.  I am no longer on a search for love or my soul mate.  I do not believe in that anymore for me.  It is not what I want.  Fairy tales are for other people, not me.  I made a vow to myself under the full moon on Beltaine eve to live for ecstasy.   I will not chase or coax it.  I will open my arms up and accept it.    I deserve to live in pure ecstasy for the rest of my days.

 

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