Depression

When you have had a deep valley of soul crushing depression and mourning it changes your life. That happened to me. I was in a deep dark place. I did not want to leave my room and I felt numb most of the time when I was not crying or thinking about how I wanted this life to be over. I tried to pull myself out of it and when I could not I went for help. I spent months in therapy and then I went into a 10 day program to help me to learn ways to cope with this depression and move on with my life. I struggled with medication issues and found that those medications I was on were making me worse. After some nasty withdrawals I finally starting coming out of it this past Fall. I started feeling better about my life and doing things again. I felt like myself or at least that is what I thought. But I have come to realize the past few days that I have been in a state of low grade depression for months…and probably for most of my life. I have a cycle of trying to pull out of it and doing lots of things but I always want to retreat for days after I do things and when I do plan things I spend all the time up until that thing dreading it. I am anxious in groups and I am always thinking that people secretly hate me. I have a fear of those I love leaving me without a look back. It has happened a few times and that is hard to deal with when it does. Last year at this time it did happen. Someone I had invested much emotional energy into and had been a close friend to for over 6 years just said “Don’t contact me anymore” and that was it. I was not a part of their new life and they did not want anything to do with anyone who had been a part of their old life. I honored their request and never emailed or contacted them again. I still hurt over that. I thought we would be friends forever. I want them to be happy and if never hearing from me is part of that I understand…but it still hurts.

So I am depressed. I have no motivation. I don’t sleep well. I worry about everyone around me abandoning me but at the same time I do not want to drag anyone down. So this is my plea to those close to me. Get out if you need to. Just be honest with me. The dishonesty is the worst part. If I am dragging you down just say so and go. I feel like giving up sometimes but those people who have truly stood by me…those people have helped me not to. I am grateful for you.

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