I had a major revelation about a perception I have had about some events that happened in my life over a year ago that hurt me deeply. My ego was deeply wounded and I was protecting that wound in a way that it was keeping me from enjoying life. It was keeping me from dancing both symbolically and literally. At one point last year I was dangerously depressed and suicidal. Then I had a conversation that woke something up in me. I spent a couple of days just trying to unwrap this in my brain and when I finally saw the situation for what it truly was I began to understand something I was missing in my perception of what had happened. There was a part of the situation I had not been able to see through my pain and the revelation of that has freed me in such a huge way. I spent way too much time focused on trying to convince people who had hurt me why they had hurt me when I needed to turn that around and convince myself. What good was it doing me to try to convince people of something they are well aware of ….or maybe they are not aware of…but even if they are aware what at this point could they do? I think there was a part of me that was begging to just have it fixed so I would not hurt anymore. But the truth is it was done and over with and I was wasting my time trying to fix something that was not fixable. Furthermore my instant reaction to the tower moment and what I thought was the truth was just not true. In the moment the lightning hit and I was thrown from the tower I was blinded. I became so guarded that I become bitter and jaded.
What matters at this moment is that I have learned some amazing lessons. I have learned to set boundaries and keep them. I have learned to say enough is enough. I have learned to take care of myself when I need to. I have learned that sometimes I need to withdraw and reevaluate and that is OK. I have learned that sometimes people are going to hate you no matter what you do. I have learned that I do not have to react to that hatred. I have learned that in some instances people do not want to see the damage they have done. I have learned that sometimes all those things are things that I have done myself.
My life has changed for the better. I will never be the same and for that I am grateful. There was also a piece of this puzzle that when I finally clicked it into place I was just shocked at the realization. Why did I not see this before? But I see it now and today…right this moment I am forgiving and am letting go completely. It was never about me not being valuable. It was never even about me not being wanted. I was always wanted and valued. The bottom line is that it is also not my problem anymore and for that I will always be grateful. I don’t have to live my life questioning my worth anymore because I know my worth and no one can take that from me.
Today I am releasing from my mind and my heart those things I spent over a year feeling tortured about. Thank you for the lessons.
Now…. It is time to Dance.