On Sunday morning I got up and started filling a garbage bag with things that were triggering me. It was mostly clothes I had worn that reminded me of negative things that happened. I threw out almost all my bras and several pairs of underwear. I threw out a couple of tops and some sexy lingerie. I can’t really remember anything else. I was on a mission. Then I moved all the things that I had put in another room into my bedroom and made it exactly the way I wanted.
Then the squirrels showed up…
The squirrels is what I call the attack on my mind that happens when I start thinking and cannot shut it up. They torment me with things that I cannot change. They taunt me about how I was not pretty enough, smart enough and no one will ever love me. They were relentless in their attack about that last dance I had wished for. “He didn’t even care enough about you to wait one hour and tell you the truth.” “Why did you ever think he liked you?” “Stupid, you knew he would choose someone younger and prettier” It was crushing me. Have you ever seen that cheesy 80’s Movie Gremlins? Well, my squirrels quickly morph when I feed them, especially after midnight and early morning. There is a stripe in the pack who is especially mean. Stripe talks about how I should hurt myself and how much better off I would be if I just gave up. She whispers in my ear that things will never get better and I will die alone. She pulls chunks off my heart and laughs as she eats them. (yeah I am taking creative license here but its my story.) When the squirrels morph I am in deep trouble and the worst thing I can do is hide because they just keep multiplying and getting louder and louder. Just like the Gremlins, light is their enemy. As soon as I shine light on them and talk to someone who is empathetic they start screaming and running away with smoke billowing behind them. It is the best way to defeat them. Sometimes I cannot bring myself to share because I feel ashamed. Yesterday I said to a friend that I wished I could just have no emotion at all about him that I could have just walked away and shrugged my shoulders. If I did that I would not be Rauncie. I am a woman who loves deeply and I always miss someone who has been a part of my life, even if they wounded me. So the squirrels have been flooding the walls I have built up over the last three weeks and I am trying my best to fight them off by talking about it. But there is another way to deal with them that I have not been able to deploy yet. One of my closest friends shared something with me a couple of years ago. He said “Those squirrels are part of you. They are just trying to protect you. They are a warning call that something is wrong and all those words are a way to try to get you to stay away from that person because that person will hurt you. Instead of trying to kill them invite them to sit on your lap and tell them everything will be OK. Breathe with them and love them Rauncie” That was such a different way of looking at this. I drew a picture of me with the squirrels in my lap and one in a tree sticking its tongue out at me that I was reaching out to and I named it after him. I need to put down my weapons and invite the squirrels to come and sit with me and talk it out. I am going to be OK. I am going to grow from this. Eventually I am going to write a book about my life. It will be a way to share with others that the real answer is within ourselves and how to process and grow from experiences.
Now I am going to try to lure some squirrels in for a lunch time meditation.
#healingfrombreakup #Icandothis #Ididntruinmylife #itsover #mendingfromheartbreak