I have a monkey box.  It is not a physical monkey box but it is real.  A monkey box is a box with a hole large enough to squeeze your hand through that has something in it.  For a monkey it would be a banana or other fruit they love.  For me it is a person, a substance or a habit.  When you grab the thing in the box you cannot take your hand out of the box and so you are stuck.  The box keeps you occupied for hours and hurts you as you try to pull free with what you see as your prize attached.   Sometimes you walk around with the monkey box dangling at the end of your arm weighing you down and causing constant pain.  The weight is a constant reminder of the thing you cannot have.  My hand has been bruised and battered for years over relationships that were damaging me.  I would take my hand out and walk away from the box for awhile only to return and jam my hand back in thinking this time I can solve this puzzle.  But there is one rule about the monkey box.  The monkey box never gives up the prize.

Months ago I realized my hand was firmly in the monkey box.  The pain it was causing me was the worst I had felt in years.  I kept rationalizing and trying to make excuses for why it was OK to carry the cursed thing around.  I convinced myself that it was not so bad.  I told myself that it would get better and the box was not as heavy as it had been in the past.  In fact it was the heaviest box I had carried in many years.  But I was waking up and I started to take my hand out on a regular basis.  When I would take my hand out I would think about why I deserved to be finished with this pain.  I would write down things that were causing me pain.  I made a list of things that I would no longer tolerate and stated that I would end it immediately if those things continued.  Then one night it all exploded and I tried smashing that monkey box with all my might.  I said no more and meant it.   Of course the monkey box still lives but I have duct taped it shut by making the choice to cut the banana from my life completely.  There will be no talking to, looking at, touching or dancing with the banana.  It will only lead to my hand back in that dark box that leads to nothing but pain.

I have learned so much these past months and I am grateful for that.  I am most grateful for the lesson of silence.  The closure I need resides within myself.  I will never get the answers to the questions I was asking.  I would only be asking for more pain.   The closure I need is to accept my behavior and be OK with it.  I am OK with it.  I am proud of myself for loving myself enough to say no to anything that does not make me a better person and for not returning to the box that will beat me every time.

#monkeybox #breakup #ex #nocontact #mending #Ididntruinmylife #Rauncie