The last 30 days have been up and down for me. My feelings were all over the place. I felt sad, angry, humiliated, betrayed, hurt and numbness. I wrote letters and deleted them. I wished horrible things on someone I once loved and everyone involved in the situation. At times I felt like hurting myself. Not because I wanted him back, because I wanted the pain to stop. I thought about just driving my car somewhere and disappearing at times. I was feeling so sorry for myself that I actually thought no one would even miss me. This is a pattern that began way back when I was a child. Being left behind or rejected in anyway sets off this pattern. Even though I was the one who broke up with him his behavior is what forced my hand. It was the best thing that could have happened to me because I am finally free of a relationship that was not good for either of us. So what now?
It is day 31. This morning I got up and walked B and in the middle of the street I started to cry. I was not thinking about anything when the crying started. I was just feeling lonely out there in the street, a street we had walked on together. I came into the house and went to my healing room. I lay on the floor and cried for awhile and what came out of that is knowing it is time to forgive and let go. It is the only way I will be able to heal and move one. When I say forgive I do not mean I am ok with the way I was treated. I have learned a lot from what I went through. I seem to have the same lessons presented to me over and over. This lesson about boundaries and not doing things to please someone else when it is not something I really want to do…I have been a reluctant and terrified student. I have always been afraid to stand up for myself. The times I stood up for myself as a young woman brought physical abuse on me that was not something you forget easily. There is trauma in my body and I go into yes mode when I feel scared. It is part of my PTSD. I am not in anyway dismissing the way I was treated. I will not forget that. I will never look at this person in the same way again or the people who were involved. However, I can look closer and realize that each of us has a road to travel and we all have wounds that we are dealing with. We are all human. There is no monster in this story only other people who also have things they need to work on. How can I a person who has done many regretful things in my life point my finger and continue to seethe inside over all that has transpired. I cannot. I have been forgiven many things. I am grateful for that. So today I work on forgiveness. When my tears were falling this morning I felt like poison was leaving my body as I said over and over “I forgive you and let you go.” Then it turned into “Rauncie you are forgiven” I needed to forgive myself and stop beating myself up over the fact that I had broken my own boundaries to try to keep someone in my life. I am not sure how long I was there on the floor but when I got up I wrote a very short letter in my journal to him that said I forgive you and I hope your life is good. I also asked for forgiveness for some things that I did. Nothing is ever black and white and I am not completely innocent. It is not something I will ever send to him but I needed to get that out. I do realize that a part of my life is ending and I am moving on to other things. Right now I do not see myself going back to that lifestyle. I want to focus on spiritual things and my plan to travel the world with my friend Keith. Forgiveness and mindfulness is what I will focus on now. When my mind goes to the past two years I will focus on what I learned and not on what I wish I could change.
I was changed because of this past two years and I am growing. For this I am grateful. Someday I will say thank you for being one of my life teachers in person but for today I need to heal enough to say that with a pure heart.