“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”
― Mary Oliver
I have received several boxes of darkness in my life from people I have loved. Every time I have wanted to hurl it from me as far as I could and stomp the fuck out of it. This time after beating it up quite a bit I have been going through it to see what the lessons are I need to learn. It is not an easy task and I sometimes get sucked into the darkness and find it hard to climb out. One of the items in that box is a book A Path With Heart by Jack Kornfield. A book I was told I should read over a year ago that I said I would but never did. This morning I picked it up and read the first chapter. At the end of the chapter I was sobbing. I knew after reading it that I was not listening to my heart. I knew that I had been spending many hours of my time wishing the pain I am feeling on someone else who I felt had a part in what happened. What a terrible thing to wish for someone. I would not wish this kind of pain on anyone. I have to let it go. If I look from a different perspective I know that someday I will thank this person for being the straw that broke a very tired camels back. So I spent some time this morning asking the universe to help me to let go of this hatred and hurt I have felt. It is not going to just disappear. I know it will take time. What I have to focus on is moving on and not thinking about what is going on in other peoples lives because it is keeping me from living mine in today. I have things I need to do in this life. I believe that if I share my experiences I may be able to help others who are struggling. It is hard to believe on this beautiful Sunday morning that just yesterday I had serious thoughts of ending my life. In fact almost every day this past week I struggled with those kinds of thoughts. Not because I lost a boyfriend. I lost him many months before the breakup. But I lost myself first. My heart had closed up in self defense and I was no longer connecting on a level that was satisfying to me. I did not communicate that in a way that was understood. I take responsibility for my part in the demise of the relationship but I will not take it all. More importantly I need to take responsibility for the healing of my heart and that means kicking out the squatters who are taking up rent space in my brain.
So what am I learning from all this? that is something that is a work in progress and I am learning every single day. My lesson today is that my life is right here, right now and it is wonderful. I will strive to no longer live in the past or in my fantasies of the future. This morning I was in the kitchen and the squirrels made a sneak attack. I jumped like a ninja and said “Back Squirrels!” I need to do that more often. The movement and the words scared them away for now. It is a ritual I will repeat.
If you are interested in the book I am reading you can find it here:
I didn't Ruin my life.... 