I had to be honest

Last night I opened up and was honest about something I had kept to myself for over a year.  It is not something I feel I can share completely on my Facebook or in this blog.  I did however need to share it with the person I was the closest to at the time it happened before I could heal and start to share at least some of it with all of you.  It hurt my heart that I was not able to share it when it happened.  It was just too risky.  I did not trust I would be supported.  I was in a place of danger emotionally.  I was thinking of suicide on a regular basis.   It was the biggest thing that drove me to finally get help and to stop drinking.  After months of wrestling with sharing  I wrote the letter last night and sent it with my heart pounding.  I did not know if I would get a response and if I did if it would help or  make things worse.   The response was loving and understanding.  I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me.  I drug that secret around like a rotting corpse all that time and the thing that stopped me from being honest was my own stories in my mind.  Now I see more clearly and I believe that he would have embraced me and been supportive…but I did not believe it then because of trust issues.  But the bottom line to all of this is that I need to always be with someone I trust and can share such momentous things that affect my whole life.   This issue was huge.  I withdrew emotionally and came close to giving up my life over it.

I am so glad I gave up getting intoxicated 9 months ago.  Drinking alone is dangerous for women.  I found that out the hard way.  If you are out drinking and you do not have friends to watch out for you things can happen.  There are predators everywhere.  There are some wonderful men and women out there who will help you, watch out for you and even stop someone trying to take advantage of you.  There are also people who watch for a woman or a man who is alone, intoxicated and vulnerable.  They do not care about consent.   I really don’t want to share more than that about what happened to me but I am sure it is pretty obvious.  I felt so much shame that after all this time something like this could happen to me.  But, it did and now I can heal and move on.  I am moving up another level in my healing and I am beginning to enjoy my life again.

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