I am struggling.

I have 3 weeks left in the program I started in September and I feel like I am dragging myself to the finish line. When my mother died back in June I feel I just went numb. I isolated more and I made a choice to just do the things I had already planned but that I would not add anything else to my life. I had a couple of friends I talked to on a daily basis. Those friends have been such a rock for me. In this time of despair and pain I lost a friend. I tried my best to explain what was going on but I finally just had to let go. It hurt. I still think about them every day.

Today I am just keeping my chariot on the road. I want to pull over and lay down sometimes but I cannot. It is only 3 more weeks and I need to make some decisions about what I do after this class is over. I need to be able to make more money so I am not dependant on anyone. I do not like how that makes me feel and I struggle with intrusive negative thoughts over this. I owe the state of New York in excess of 10,000 dollars and have no way to pay it. They will take my license if I do not agree to a payment plan where they not only want all my information but access to my bank account. I am reluctant to do that but I may not have a choice. Our state does not make it easy and if you are poor and get behind they will just bury you in fees and interest. It is so frustrating.

So that is where I am right now and why I am so quiet most of the time.