Today I have six months sober.
I have to say the very fact that I went back to the world of numbness to begin with is quite shocking to even me. I had been sober for many years. I want to say first and foremost that it was not that I was powerless over alcohol or that a bottle chased me down and poured itself down my throat. I do not believe that Alcohol is cunning and baffling as they say in 12 step meetings. What is cunning and baffling is my own mind that whispers to me constantly that I can just end it all and never have to hurt again and alcohol/drugs/food/sex could help with that. I have heard so many people say they are powerless over a substance and that any moment could be the one they fall under its spell again. I do not believe that. I believe that kind of perception is false and leads to a victim mentality. I believe that is a easy excuse when the reality is we make the choice. We do not have to say yes, there are other options. It is not easy to choose other options but why does something have to be easy to be the right choice. I made the choice to numb myself because I was lonely and in so much pain I did not want to feel anymore. I was craving someone to be near even if it is was just in the same house but at the same time terrified of opening up and being hurt again. I had just experienced one of the most amazing connections of my life and when it ended I was left wondering if it was me…of course this is my code from childhood speaking to me about how I am broken and it could not be anything else. I made the choice to drink myself into blackouts when I was experiencing someone I loved wounding me instead of speaking louder or walking away from that person. It was a mistake that cost me months of living. I cannot remember some of it and some of things I do remember I wish I could forget. I hurt people and I hurt myself, mostly myself.
So here I am 6 months later and my heart is finally opening up. I have a wonderful friend who is showing me unconditional love, who gives without strings, who hugs me and says I love you and I know it is genuine. I have not experienced that very much in my life. But as I say that I wonder if it has been here all along and I was too afraid to accept it. Was I so convinced that I was not worthy that I have pushed away genuine people before? I am sure I have. I am determined to accept it now. It feels a little scary but it is wonderful to allow myself to be open to having a family, to having a home and someone I can trust. This has also let me to be able to create boundaries and ask for things in my other relationships. That has been incredibly scary. To put in writing what I will and will not tolerate and wait for an answer from someone I love … But the response made me realize that my perceptions of how someone feels about me are quite often wrong. I think I am blessed to have two people who I call family that I share space with who truly care about me. They each fulfill a part of my life that is very important and I feel the universe brought them both to me. In addition healing is happening with my children as well. I think feeling stable and having roots is helping me to be a better mother and to be there for my children more. It has been several years since our family was fractured and broken apart and I think things are coming back together again because of the love that has been shown to me by my friend. It was wonderful to have my daughter and granddaughters have Thanksgiving at our house. To set down at the table with my house family and my children and grandchildren made me feel so wonderful. I am truly blessed…truly blessed. I love my life. I know I have further to go and I am going to work hard to make the right choices about my life and my job. But right now I feel like good things are happening in my life and I want to embrace it with my whole heart.
These days I find myself singing this song when I wake up (with a few changes of course :))
Our house, Is a very, very, very fine house, with gargoyles in the yard, life used to be so hard, now everything is easy cause of you!
Thank you Universe for tapping me on the shoulder and reminding me that I am truly loved and I am worthy of that love. I forgot that for awhile. I will not forget it again.