Monthly Archives: January 2019

I am determined to work on my future and prepare myself to retire from my full time job in 4 years. Part of this is working on a book and my plan to become a traveling tarot reader. I also have a dream to have a seasonal tarot and tea house here in Rochester where we would bring in speakers and have retreats. In preparation for all this I am going to be making more posts about the tarot. I want to look at each card in relation to my life and experiences. As a reader for over 30 years my interpretations of the cards have changed many times. I learn something new almost daily. I believe it is important to stay open to new perspectives . Today I start in the most obvious place, The Fool.

The Fool is the zero card. I was taught that the fool walks through the story of the tarot. Story telling is a wonderful way to weave a reading together. If I think of the person I am reading for as the fool of the deck and I read the cards thinking of where they are in the journey it helps me to tell a strong story. I have found that people relate to a story much easier than pieced together symbols that may not mean anything to them. The fool depictions are different in many decks. My favorite deck for reading is the Robin Wood Tarot. I have collected many decks over the years and occasionally I will find a deck that fits well for a particular person I read regularly for. So I am always looking for decks that I resonate with.

Right now I am at that 0 point of my life, the fool, the place of new beginnings. For many months I was stuck at the 10 of Swords. I was desperately trying to pull swords out of myself. I just wanted the pain I was feeling to be over. I fought the grief and was holding all kinds of anger and bitterness. I was damaging myself. I would get to a point where I thought that maybe it was finally over and then something would happen that I perceived as hurtful and it would bring it all back up again. I had that experience very recently. I was shocked at how much still remained and how in a moment all the ground I had seemed to gain was lost. But in reality that is not true. I am standing on the cliff right now with my little dog and my bags packed and what happened? I looked back. In looking back I got lost for a few days. Our brains cannot tell the difference between something happening in reality and what we are telling it is happening so it sets off all the alarms and our body reacts with chemicals to protect us. It feels awful. I am learning to breath and take the time to think these things though. I did not do that with this most recent incident and ended up saying some things I regret. My looking back caused me to question everything. It is time for me to take the step off the cliff. I cannot see exactly where I am headed at the moment but I have some ideas. If we wait on the cliff for a map or for exact instructions we may end up spending our whole lives there. In fact there is a danger that we may just sit down there with our back to the future. I do not want to do that. I am ready to move on and to stop trying to change something I can no longer change. Today I had someone say something that I knew already in my head but I need to connect more to my heart. If we focus on what we have instead of what we have lost or we think we should have we will be much happier people. When we are able to see things in this way we can move on. So …what I am grateful for?

  1. My home which is a true refuge and place of love.
  2. My consort who loves me in a way I have never experienced before.
  3. My close friends who have stood by me through all of this.
  4. My life experience which helps me to make better choices and to help others who are on a similar path.
  5. My job which allows me to be creative and to also be able to financially live a good life and help those I love.
  6. The lessons I have been presented with.
  7. My teachers who have both been people who have been loving and warm and those who broke my heart.
  8. My heart, it has been broken many times but is still open, loving and empathetic.

There are many other things I am grateful for and I will remember those things when my inner critique, the squirrel committee, starts trying to drown out the positives in my life.

I welcome the fool role in my life right now. I am ready to start over. I must decide if I still have things in my bag for this journey that I no longer need and put those aside. It is time to move forward.

Sometimes the universe hands you a gift wrapped in something that seems at first glance to be a bag of flaming shit left on your porch. After examining the recent gift the universe gave me I have come to realize that first impressions are truly not always right. I was angry all weekend. Today I am feeling relieved and free. This gift of sight of the truth in my life has freed me from some chains I had crafted myself. My undying loyalty to people who have never been or never would be loyal to me is one of my major flaws. I would try to save someone who was trying to kill me. That is not just an analogy, I have actually done that. It has always been my nature. But I can’t do that anymore. This part of my nature is self destructive and my overwhelming longing to be loved and accepted has done nothing but cause me pain for 57 years. I have allowed treachorous people in my life who used me. I have allowed things to go on around me that I should never have allowed all with the motivation of “if I am good to them they will love me.” It has never worked, not even once.

I am not sure why it started. I could site many things that happened to me as a child, a teenager and a young adult but why should I dig those bones back up? I cannot change those events. I cannot change those people. I cannot make those people love me. What I can do is stop blaming myself and looking for what was wrong with me that made them chose to betray or abandon me. I am not perfect. I know that. I have made many mistakes and I own that. However, I will not take on the blame when it is not mine and from this day forward I will do my best not to beat myself up over the past. I have been fighting this same battle for years now and sometimes I win and sometimes I just give up and let it take me over. I am getting older and more tired of it. I am ready to put my weapons down and walk away. Things or people who are not giving the same amount of love to me are not worth my time. I don’t have to be friends with my enemies. I don’t have to be friends with those who still have knives in my back. I always thought I did. I don’t have to anymore. I want peace in my life. I will move on and find places and people who I can trust. There are not many of them but even if I have just one or two that is enough for me.