My name is Rauncie and I am a witch.

What is a witch?  For me being a witch is to be a wise woman or man who knows their own heart.   It is someone who looks inside for answers.  It is someone who is not afraid to look in the mirror.  But something happened a few years ago and I laid down the mirror.  I began to look for happiness in other people.  I wanted to have a chance to live something I had never experienced before.  As a young woman I never really had the chance to live a normal life.  I was not allowed to date and if I did go out there was all this guilt following me out the door like I was doing something wrong.  I never learned how to really date people or have boundaries.  What I did learn was how to get into relationships way too fast.  I married at 17 and had my son two weeks before I turned 18.  I did not do well in marriage and I was constantly searching for some kind of validation from men.  The men who responded to this in almost every case turned out to be men who were looking for a thrill and never stuck around.  I was a woman who had attachment issues who always attracted men who had commitment issues.  This just added to my issue of being rejected and needed validation.   Six years ago I left my marriage and started a relationship with someone much younger than me.  It was one of the most amazing exciting relationships I had ever experienced.  I traveled with him.  I fell deeply in love.  The red flags were there but I ignored them.  When we split up I was devastated.  Close to a year later I started another relationship with a man.  I swore I would not allow myself fall in love and I would keep boundaries.  That is not what happened.  I fell in love with him and then I completely laid down my cloak of power and did whatever I felt I needed to in order to keep him happy.  I was happy when I was with him and miserable when I was not.  I finally made some boundaries and then when he crossed them I broke it off.  I hit a huge bottom in that moment.  I felt like my heart had just been broken open and all this pain was pouring out and I could not stop it.    I did not sleep for weeks.  I had suicidal thoughts.  I met with him on several occasions after the break up and we talked about seeing each other again.  Thankfully that did not happen and we both decided it was a bad idea for many reasons.  But I wanted him because I wanted to stop hurting.  I wanted him because I missed him.  He was my family for two years.  I had forgotten all the things that had hurt me in those two years.  I had forgotten how I was left out of things, left behind, humiliated and how it ended so badly.  I forgot about all the unanswered heart felt letters I wrote him when I was with him.  I forgot about the lies and the hurtful words.  I had forgotten about the times I was in a very bad place and I was all alone.  I must stop here and say it was not all bad.  He did many wonderful things for me.  He is not an evil person.  I loved this man.  I hope that someday that is all I will remember when I think of him.  I don’t want to go on feeling bitter.

But in the midst of all this I forgot who I was.

I am a witch.

I am a powerful witch with a story to tell.

I have the ability to make changes in my life.  I threw all that away at one point for love and in the end I ended up alone and heartbroken.  Maybe it is true that in order to heal we have to break things open completely.   That day 5 months ago I stood at the edge of the dance floor and broke my own heart.  It had to be done.  I knew that it meant taking a journey to the underworld of pain and darkness but I was ready to strip myself of all the trappings of life and do it.  So I spiraled into the darkness and I made the choice to not reach out to anyone else until I had felt every single moment.  I picked up the mirror and took a long look.   I am my own Goddess.  I am the one who holds my happiness.  I will not find it in the eyes of another.  Love is a trickster.  It will cause us to do things that will destroy us sometimes.  I almost allowed myself to be destroyed.   I will not allow that again.  My true equal will love me as I am, flaws and all.  But here is the thing…I think I have found my true flame and it is me.  I do not need someone to be happy.  I have good friends, several very close friends, supportive family, a sweet dog and I have a home I love.  I need to lay down this pain I have been carrying like a rotting dead corpse and move on.  I have been the most afraid of that because once I move on it is over for me.  The love will be gone and the thought of that makes me weep at night.  I think I have held out on the fact that maybe…..just maybe….  But there is no maybe for this situation.   It truly is not something that lifts me up.  It is something that tears me down.  But there is more to it than that.  It is the fear that I will never feel that kind of love again.  I have felt deep love and I am grateful for that.  If I never feel it again I at least know what it feels like.  So… I must move on.   The road is wide open and I hear the whisper of my calling again.  I am afraid.  I will not lie.  My cloak seems unfamiliar to me.  I put it on and then take it back off thinking I no longer deserve it but that will not stop me.  I am going to wear it and chant the words of my heart once again…

Round and Round and Round we go,

Look into my eyes and know,

That Life is death and death is birth,

Such is the way of mother earth,

If you are afraid hold on tight,

We are turning, turning darkness into light

It is time to reconnect with myself.  It is time to chant and dance around the fire with my sisters and brothers.  It is time to let go of the hope of going back and changing the past.  It is time to pick up my cloak, staff and my little dog and start a new journey.

I may need to make some serious changes that will make it seem I have disappeared.  I have not.  I am just dancing under the moon.  Join me if you dare.

My name is Rauncie and I am a witch.  I am a powerful, strong woman.

I love myself and I love you for who you are.

If you love the picture above you can click on it and it will take you to the deviant art site.  It is Tarot:Fool by Iscalox

I am determined to ride this out.  I am tired of being sick and I am not just talking about physically.  I fight my mind on a daily basis.

Sometimes when you crawl out of the cocoon and stretch your wings you take a nose dive….Ouch…  Yeah, that is happening right now.  I had a few days of feeling fantastic and then I crashed and burned in a way that made me feel I was back to December 15th all over again.  I sometimes wish I was not so sensitive but it is who I am.  I cannot just stop loving people.  Why is it that those who are able to walk around like robots and have no feelings are considered normal and those of us who struggle with feelings are considered crazy.  I am not crazy I am human with deep emotions.  When I love I truly love.  When I hate…well I have to say it goes deep to the bone.  That however rarely happens except in cases where I feel someone has purposely set out to destroy something I had or to hurt my family.  But hate can eat you alive and I have been carrying some.  I do need to let go of that and I am working on it.

So I am trying to clean up my wings right now…they are a bit dirty and bent.  I feel like I have no energy or motivation.   I need something in my life that makes me feel fulfilled.  My dreams may never make it off the ground but I have some.  I just have to breath some life into them.

I am making the choice to face my triggers.  I will feel the fear and the anger.  I will hate when warranted.  I will love when it is earned.  I will embrace my shadow and begin to heal.   Like Lilith who refused to lay on her back screaming  “HELL NO!” and climbed the wall to have sex with demons I make the choice to climb the wall of your double standards, lies, manipulation, oppression and rules.  I am throwing aside the search for fairy tale love and taking a bite from the apple of ecstasy.   I will savor every juicy bite and throw the remains at the feet of my enemies and those who have betrayed me.

I will no longer lay down

I will no longer be nice

I will no longer smile and pretend

I will dance and create a powerful circle of magic

Then I will cast a spell and spin a web to catch the next who dares to try and capture me

The dance of magical ecstacy is the dance I choose for my life

You know…it is interesting.  I mourned for over 4 months.  I cried at least a little every single one of those days.  I had trouble sleeping.  I thought of suicide a few times.  I kept asking myself what was wrong with me?  Why was I not good enough? I worried that this would truly be the last love I ever felt in my life… but then I woke up.  It was a sudden surprising wake up.  I looked around and realized it was Spring and I had survived one of the harshest emotional winters of my life.  I did not throw myself into another relationship to numb myself.  I did not turn to alcohol again.  I had been in a deep dark cocoon working on the inside of me.  This was something I had desperately needed to do for years.   There were times I raged.  There were times I wanted revenge.  I wished with all of my heart that the people who caused me pain would suffer terribly.  Then in a blink of an eye I didn’t care anymore.  I actually felt sorry for them..for like 5 seconds.   I do forgive them but I do this for myself.  I also do it because I know I have risen to a higher place in life and they are still stuck on a level I cannot return to.  However, I will not forgive and enable someone to continue to live in a way that destroys others.  I will not say “it’s ok” because it is not OK.  I will not utter those words again to people who hurt or insult me.  I will tell my story to those who need to hear it.   I am not ashamed of who I am.  I am not ashamed of my past because it has made me who I am.  I am glad that I am open enough to give people a chance in my life.  I am also glad that I have learned to walk away when someone is damaging me.  I have learned some hard lessons over the past couple of years.  This past few months was dark and painful.   Then there was a tiny crack and light began to pour in.   I reached my hand out and pulled, the cocoon started to split and suddenly I could breath.  The world is this wonderful, beautiful place again and I am soaring and leaving the pain behind.   I will remember these lessons.  I will not forget what brought me here.  I will not forget that beautiful eyes and meaningless whispers are dangerous for me.  I will stay guarded and untouchable until I find my equal.  I know there is a chance that I may never find my equal and that is OK.  I am no longer on a search for love or my soul mate.  I do not believe in that anymore for me.  It is not what I want.  Fairy tales are for other people, not me.  I made a vow to myself under the full moon on Beltaine eve to live for ecstasy.   I will not chase or coax it.  I will open my arms up and accept it.    I deserve to live in pure ecstasy for the rest of my days.