Last week the burlesque world lost a sparkling light that can never be replaced.

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We must speak out.  We must speak up.  When our sisters say things to us like “my boyfriend doesn’t like that”  “I can’t because my boyfriend will get upset”  We need to say…”Sister can I help? I understand.  I will be here for you”  When our sisters and brothers are being emotionally, verbally and physically abused we need to speak up.   We need to be present and listen.  We need to put aside our societies practice of looking the other way or feeling “that is their personal business.”   It is our business to protect those around us.  Yes, some may become angry.  They may even stop talking to us but here is the most important thing.  No matter what the reaction let them know you are there for them when they are ready.  I am a survivor and the worst thing I experienced was having family say things that let me know they were judging and rejecting me.  When a person is in a situation like this they need to know they have support.  The person they are with is working to isolate them and is whispering or shouting in their ear that they have no one to help them.   When someone is in a situation like this they are being controlled and broken.  They begin to believe that they do not deserve better.  They may feel humiliated and embarrassed.  They sometimes begin to feel that maybe they even deserve it.  I felt all these things and it kept me from reaching out when I needed help.  Help them to feel that they are worthy of real love and that we are here to help.  Be that lighthouse that they can look for in times of trouble.

It is my life goal to help those who are where I used to be.  I am heartbroken that a beloved sister in our community is now lost to us.  Let us come together and do all we can to help others.  Our community is grieving.  Let us take this energy that feels like our very hearts are being eclipsed and use it to take action.

I have to remind myself that it is true that it always seems darkest before the dawn.  I have had way more good days lately than bad.  I am grateful for that.  On Wednesday night I had a great time but struggled with some feelings of resentment.  On Thursday I had a weird dizzy, double vision almost feinting attack.  I think it may have been a panic attack.  It scared me.  As much as I want to die sometimes in that moment I thought “I’m not ready to go yet I have things I need to tell people and things I need to do first.”  So I am working on that.  I am working on telling people how much I love them and making time to spend time with people again.  Friday used to be my favorite night of the week and then it became the worst for the past year.  I am trying to reclaim Fridays as a day to look forward to again.  It is hard not to feel bitter on some days.  I feel that certain people who treated me terribly should be exposed for their behavior.   It seems though that people already know.  They stop me in the store, hug me on the sidewalk, wave at me in public and then tell me how happy they are to see me out of that situation.  I have mixed feelings about that statement.  I loved this man at one time.  I would have done anything for him.  That is probably the root of the problem.  I would have done anything for him and I sacrificed myself.   His partner in cruelty brags about how wonderful her life is and I wonder how she can feel good about building something on the back of someone’s pain.   She knew….she shared her pain with me at one point about a past relationship and I felt sympathy for her.   I don’t anymore and I honestly hope that he breaks her heart in a million pieces because of her part in all of this.  I have a right to my anger.  I know it is part of the healing and someday I will let go of it but right now…I am not letting go.  Whatever you have done to me may it come back on you 10 fold.

I am in touch with my inner bitch and she is pissed.