Like a snake shedding its skin I am transforming. I feel like I am at that point where the skin is covering my eyes and I am itchy and cranky. I want this old shit off of me so I can shine again. I sometimes still struggle with thoughts of why and what if?. I had a really hard day yesterday and put my hand in that damn monkey box again. I carried it for a few hours and then put it down when I went for the blue moon ritual. At the ritual I came face to face with some past pain. It reminded me that I would never want to go back to what I had because what I had was painful and had been for a long time. I knew I had to apologize to this person for resentment I had carried. It made me face something that I have experienced many times. I get angry at the other woman and not the man I am in a relationship with when things happen. At least that is my first instinct. Once I step back and process it I realize that I have no reason to be angry at them. It is the person who I am involved with, that has broken my trust that I should be focused on. My question to myself is this “Why anger?” This is a human being who probably does not have the capacity to be honest for whatever reason in situations like this. It is my responsibility to decide if I want to be with someone like that. I do not want to be with someone like that. I require honesty even if it hurts me. That is part of my transformation.
I cannot be involved with lost boys anymore. Lost boys are my weakness and though I hope they will grow up and love me they will always fly away just like Peter Pan and I will just keep getting older. Because I am like Wendy they always seem to carry a spot for me in their hearts and we tend to remain friends on some level because I feel the same…most of the time. I am sick of being Wendy and I am going to strive to be more like Tiger Lily in the story. I want to be wild and free and not become attached so easily. Even as I write this I realize that I am not just Wendy, I am Peter and Tiger Lily as well. I am many faceted and when I fall into the role of Wendy I tend to stay there trying to keep things as they are by loving as much as I can and mothering a lost boy. But there is another lost boy I am trying to heal. It is the reflection that I see in my own mirror. By loving them and trying to help them I am also trying to help myself. It never works that way. I only end up with new wounds and spiraling back into depression and self loathing. But now I see it…now I can work on shedding that old way of living and stand up for what is right for me.
I read the book Tiger Lily and at the end Peter writes a letter to her that ends like this…
“I like to think that one day after I die, at least one small particle of me – of all the particles that will spread everywhere – will float all the way to Neverland, and be part of a flower or something like that, like that poet said, the one that your Tik Tok loved. I like to think that nothing’s final, and that everyone gets to be together even when it looks like they don’t, that it all works out even when all the evidence seems to say something else, that you and I are always young in the woods, and that I’ll see you sometime again, even if it’s not with any kind of eyes I know of or understand. I wouldn’t be surprised if that is the way things go after all – that all things end happy. Even for you and Tik Tok. and for you and me.” ― Jodi Lynn Anderson, Tiger Lily
I love the idea of never forgetting the good things and always staying young in the woods….that all things in some way end happy. I will never forget the good and I am leaving behind the bad. I am shedding my skin and being born anew. It is painful right now but oh how glorious it will be when the old is gone and I am shining once again.