Samhain is here and the winds of change are blowing.

I am making some choices I knew I would have to make.  They are choices that hurt my heart but they must be done.  I have come to realize that in the past I have chosen people because they treat me the same way I treated myself…with disdain and at the very most with shallow affection.  When people were kind to me I was suspicious of them and I pushed them away and pulled the people who mistreated me closer.  It was easy to put on a costume and be someone else because that is not Rauncie it is just a role I fill for awhile.  It has left me feeling empty and lonely so many times.  I am embarking on a new journey.  It seems that this change was brought to me by the universe and I need to pick up my broom and ride on.  I deserve this.  I deserve to be treated with kindness and love.

I will miss some of the people I have come to care about but it’s time to move on.

I am still off of Facebook.

I do miss it sometimes.  I have missed a couple of events because once you are off Facebook it is like you cease to exist to some people.

“Hey, I did not see you at the event last night”

“What event?”

“You know, I sent you an invite on Facebook.”

“…”

Facebook has become the way to do everything and leaving it has left me out of the loop.  So right now I am not sure how much good this is doing me except for the fact that I am not wasting time scrolling and wishing I looked as good as the 25 year olds I see posting pics everyday.  I love posting pics myself and seeing what is going on with people.  Maybe when I am a little further out I will feel better about this decision.  I am not sure it is making me happier.  I have to be honest and say I have been looking at the news daily which I did not do before and that also makes me anxious.  I need to just put my phone down.

So I have been reading and seeing things lately that have me thinking that I have been taking the wrong approach in living life in a more productive and happy way.  First of all I saw a video about the longest study of human behavior that said that people who have good relationships are the happiest.  It talks about how those who have bad relationships, who stay in bad marriages, who are around toxic people and do not get out of those situations are going to be unhappy and probably have more issues with end of life brain problems.  I can see why.  I know what it is like to be totally fixated on the terrible things going on in a relationship.  I know what it is like to wake up feeling doomed and sad.  I know what it is like to feel trapped and suffocated.  I know what it is like to be with someone who reminds you every day that you are not worthy of love.  But the question is…how did I end up there?

My code is corrupted.  What if the issue is the programming I received as a child.   The times I was told it was evil and wrong to be proud of who I was.  The times I was told sex was a terrible thing and men only want you for one thing.  The times I was told I had ruined my life.  My code was corrupted early on and I saw the world in a way that was influenced by all these early downloads.  What if I could go back to my early edition, Laurence 10.0 and see the world from there.  If I did my world would look like this…

The world is a magical wonderful place full of people I can make friends with.  I am a beautiful smart woman with dreams that need to be followed and paths I need to take.  I am full of great ideas and when I share them they are accepted by people who want to help to make them reality and if they are not accepted I will find someone who is open and willing to listen and who believes in me.  I can run away and join the circus anytime I want to and I can ride my bike, stand up on the seat and put my arms out with my eyes closed even if it is dangerous because it feels amazing.   I go to sleep smiling and I no longer worry about tomorrow because I am too busy enjoying today.

So what is stopping me?

Me…

I intend to fix that.  I am working on that code right now.  I will find the corrupted downloads and eradicate them.  The rest of my life… is going to be the best of my life.

Tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. I am going with a friend to inspect a house.  A house I helped to pick out.   We will move in the house in November.   This has happened so fast it seems unreal.  I never in my adult life thought I would be in a situation where I could share space with a generous, kind friend.  I have given all my life.  In fact I have given even when I could not and I found that most of the time people never really appreciated it.  I appreciate this.  My friend is blessing me in ways I never dreamed possible.  I feel like something wonderful is happening to me.

I am going to make the best of this opportunity and make sure my friend knows everyday how much I appreciate them.  🙂

I am in thoughtful preparation for more changes in my life.

I plan on working on intense introspection and self-examination, and making a strident effort to attain a state of true humility by contemplating the vastness, wonderfulness, and inscrutable intricacies of the universe and my rightful place within it.

I want to let go of ego and stop trying to cling to people who obviously are not interested in going deep.  I need to go deep.  I am 56 years old and my time is going by faster every day.  I cannot waste anymore of it.  I want deep ties with people I care about and who care about me.  I want ties with people who are not afraid to connect.  I don’t want surface bullshit anymore because that is all it is.

So what is my rightful place in life?  That is to be determined and I am stepping my foot on that path as I write this.

Addiction is a running theme in my life.  I have been addicted to many things and I know that there is a root cause.  I know what that cause is and it goes back a long way and has tentacles wrapped deep in my brain and my heart.  It is not any one substance or activity that has power over me.   No bottle has ever chased me down, tackled me and poured itself in my mouth.  I have never been forced to eat one more sugary thing or buy one more pair of boots.  I made those choices and others because I didn’t want to feel pain.  I made those choices because I was desperately trying to fill an empty spot in myself with whatever gave me a thrill and made me feel alive.  Sadly, whatever it is becomes something I learn to hate because the thrill never lasts and sometimes the substance can kill me.

Now, my mom will say that there is only one answer.  That answer never worked for me.  I did the religion thing.  I had a personal relationship with Jesus.  I dedicated my life.  I did all that.  I jumped in completely at one point.  So anyone who thinks this is a God shaped hole I can tell you that for me that is untrue.  I have been a pagan for many years and the most satisfied I have ever felt was during the times I was in circle with people I trusted and loved.  But the past few years I have been on a journey and like Persephone it has been a dark time for me.   I have been wandering in the underworld and now I am longing for the sunshine.  I no longer find joy in activities that have become shallow and meaningless to me.  I no longer want to drink till I cannot feel so I can let people I do not know do things with me or my partner that I would not do sober.  I no longer want to be the Queen of the party or the Goth Queen.  I don’t want to go to parties or clubs and pretend I am having a good time listening to back stabbing and watching people hunt for someone new.  I don’t want to have people striving to be like me or follow me who really don’t know me at all.  Don’t get me wrong I have met some wonderful people and have made some acquaintances.  I can count my real friends on two hands.  That is just being honest.  If I was in dire straights there are only a few people I know that would be there for me.  This is not just true of me.  This is true for all of us.  If you do not believe me just watch the next time you really need someone.  I have experienced it first hand.  Words are just words and actions speak much louder.  Those who swear allegiance are many times the first ones to look away.   I am not saying they are bad people I am just saying that people have their own lives and have to make choices that are right for them.  It is better to not make promises or vows to people.  Maybe you are one of the lucky people who has a strong group of friends who would do anything for you and follows through.  If so I want to have that in my life.  I am however grateful for the few true friends I have.

So now I am four months sober and I am slowly working on other things I have been trying to stuff in that space.  I need to fill that space with healthy things.   I need to walk away from people, places and things that are dragging me into the mud.  I need to fill that space with love for myself.  I am going to start a new life and make major changes.  I am 56 years old.  I do not want to be 66 and staring down the same bullshit knowing I did not step up and make a change.  By the way, 56 does not mean you are not still young on the inside.  There is always that young heart that travels with us and we never forget, even when we are 96.