There have been times in my life when I felt like my heart was so broken I would never recover. In the midst of those times I have always stopped to consider the heart of the other person. I can honestly say there are a couple of people I would put the label monster on but they are from long ago and they went on to do much much worse things to other people. When I say long ago I am speaking of 30 years ago or more. I am also not just talking about break ups. I am talking about physical and mental abuse that scarred both me and my children. Those monsters are long gone from our lives but pop up like ghosts on occasion. However, there is not one person I have met I would label monster since I moved to New York. For the most part the broken heart adventures I have had were due to my own expectations of other people. Instead of relying on myself I put too many hopes and dreams on other people. I tried to make others something they were not. I looked to them with longing wanting to be loved in a way they were not capable of. I was reaching out to my own reflection I saw in them. I was trying to heal something in them that I needed to heal in myself. This is not to say they are lacking in love but that they were just as wounded as I am. This is why the heartbreak would be so deep for me. My real heartbreak came from knowing that deep inside I was so broken myself that no one could heal me..but myself. I fought against that. I went from relationship to relationship hoping for that hero. But there was no hero. I am truly my own heroine and I know that now. When I made the choice to take the journey of the hermit over two years ago…the solitary spiritual journey of healing… I packed my bags full of all that stuff I had been carrying for many years and headed into a very dark place I had avoided for a very long time. Occasionally I would reach out and try to go back to that familiar place but it would not be long before I would say to myself “You can’t go back. This time you have to face it…all of it.”
I have had some helpers in this time. People who truly love me and have stood by my side when I was white knuckling it. When I felt that the only thing between me and beyond the veil was the love of my children, grandchildren and my beloved true friends. I have learned so much. You can know thousands of people and still be lonely. You can love yourself and never be lonely. I still struggle at times. There are days I wake up and wonder if this will be the day I leave this world. I watch people who are my age and older and then go look in the mirror and realize….I am much older than I feel inside. I am afraid of death right now. Not because of what is beyond this place but because I don’t want to leave all of you. I do not want to think about how my children will feel when I am gone. I cannot imagine my beloved friends speaking words at my wake. We have held tight to each other through so many things. I never want to be too far away from all of you. I guess I have to remind myself of how I feel about those who have gone on before me. We never really die…we live on in the hearts and minds of those who love us. I know that I will live on in my children and grandchildren just as I lived on with the love of my grandparents, my dad and my friends and teachers who have gone on before me.
I was prompted to write this as I was thinking about an old friend who is no longer in my life. It is strange how you can be so close to someone and then have them just disappear from your life. That has been a rare thing for me. I almost always stay in touch with people who have had an immense impact on my life. As I was walking into work this morning I heard a song that reminded me of them and all this emotion just washed over me. The love we felt with someone….it is real for us. Yes, things change and we move on. But that moment…that place…that time is sacred…magical. I will not degrade or make it less than it was. I will always cherish every moment of connection I have had with every single one of you.
I love you. I always will. Nothing will keep me from loving you not even the veil between this life and the next.