Monthly Archives: December 2023

I am responsible

I have issues with emotional regulation because of rejection sensitive dysphoria. I have learned a lot over the past 5 years or so about what to do when I have a wave of emotion come over me. When I first started doing this work I went the opposite way and just shut down. I would literally hold my breath, become silent and walk away. This response was damaging me as much as when I would immediately act on strong emotions and make choices that hurt others or myself. Today I have some tools and I do my best to reach for those tools when I am struggling. 

  1. The first thing I do is to communicate that I need to have time to think about the situation if this is in a conversation or an instance where it is someone who is important in my life. I ask for space to do that. I am not perfect so this does not always happen. Sometimes I just shut down, stop hearing and I remain silent. Once I have had a chance to think things through I will go to the person and let them know what has been going on.
  2. Remembering that in some situations there may be a misunderstanding. A good example of this would be when I feel left out of something and I feel rejected and hurt over it. My first instinct is to just sit in my hurt and never say anything but I have learned that I need to go to the person or group of people and ask “Was this on purpose or an oversight? If it was on purpose can we talk about why?” If I just keep silent I build up a resentment and a story in my head. This is not healthy for me.
  3. I do deep inner work to know my own boundaries and what I need to stay safe. I take responsibility for those boundaries. If I need to stay away from certain people or events I do that. If I need to say “I can do this, but not this with you” I do that. I also re examine those boundaries on a regular basis. 
  4. I remind myself that other people have different perspectives and what I think the story may be is just my thoughts and not facts. 
  5. I remember to not takes things personally and that each person has their own path and perspective.
  6. I consider how my behavior and reaction affects others. It is not all about me. I strive to live sacred in a sacred world.
  7. I do make the choice to burn a bridge occasionally. I do this when I need to protect myself.  

This is an ongoing practice for me and I learn from it with every situation when I find myself overwhelmed with emotion. 

The Body remembers

Not all anniversaries are joyous. Some of them are a reminder of the pain I have had in the past. It is weird how I will forget all about it but my body begins reacting days before and then on the day of the anniversary I will suddenly remember. It also helps that Facebook pops up with memories and I am like…oh yeah….This is what I have been going through the last week. I do not like to dwell on pain but I do like to examine where I am today in relation to events in my life in the past. I can say that today I am in a very different place. I have changed in ways I never thought I would. In this case I am actually glad it happened. I have gained a couple of solid friends out of this instance and one of them was quite a surprise. In addition my perception of the whole event has changed and today I have peace about it. 

So if you are in the midst of dealing with something that is hard just know you can do this. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and allow yourself to scream, cry, write really bad shit and mourn what you have lost. Never let someone tell you that you have had enough time to get over it. Take all the time you need. In my case when this happened the universe said it’s time to level up Rauncie and this is going to hurt. Then it proceeded to bash me over the head. It was not lying…it hurt. I leveled up, but damn….what a journey. 

The Snow Queen

I think it is part of my own natural process to retreat into silence at this time of the year. The problem is that sometimes I fight it and become depressed instead of using it to do the work I need to do. Today I want to examine a fictional character I relate to.

I just had an amazing Krampus Ball. I dressed as an evil winter queen. When I was thinking of this character I kept thinking of the snow queen. I have always loved the story of the snow queen because I related to her. I could easily write a backstory for her. I see her as someone who has been deeply hurt and abandoned more than once in her life. She puts herself in exile to keep anyone from hurting her again. She lives in the cold and in silence. She goes for days without speaking to anyone. Occasionally she rides her beautiful sled covered in furs and sparkles and then scoops up someone to take back to her castle with her. She is kind to them and gives them things but because her own heart is frozen she is not able to open up enough to allow them to love her back. She is always watching for rejection and she is afraid. Behind the mask of being unapproachable is someone who just wants someone to truly care for her. When someone does show love she questions it and eventually she either walks away or pushes them away. Most of the time they just leave.

That is a really sad story to go with this beautiful lonely queen who lives in a castle in the snow and ice. She is not so much evil but someone with a broken heart. I am truly working on opening up but I must admit it is really scary. I also have come to realize I need to broaden my life. My life is very narrow right now. My circles have become much smaller. I need to open up to other opportunities. I am considering what it would be like to go somewhere warm in the middle of the winter for a couple of months. I want to meet people and experience new things. It is hard for me to imagine being away from winter…because I love it. However, I think it is time to step off the cliff like the fool in the tarot and see where I land. I just have to extract myself from the cold and ice long enough to thaw out.