I am finding that gratitude is the answer to all this pain I have been carrying around. I spent months focused on what I had lost. I was dwelling on the fact that someone who was such a big part of my life was no longer there. I felt confused, lost and rejected. I could not climb out of that pit and I when I would I ended up falling right back in. Part of the falling back in was returning to places that triggered me. As much as I did not want to I had to give up a part of my life that I loved at one point. I know now that it had become our place in my mind and when it was no longer our place going there just broke my heart all over again. I have let go of that. There are other alternatives and I have things to do and friends to hang out with that make me happy. I am focusing on gratitude and taking care of my body. I have been going to the gym almost every day. I am tracking my food and getting enough sleep. Slowly I am feeling better. Two days in a row of feeling good is a great thing for me. I am so grateful for everyone I have in my life who loves me and cared during this whole process. It is not over yet it is a work in progress but I am no longer spending hours sobbing my heart out because I was in so much pain. Progress…. it is happening.
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Last night I closed the door. I would be lying if I said that I had closed it months ago. I kept it ajar and checked it on occasion to see if there was still some possibility. But the truth is that I did not want to step back through that door. When I was a part of that relationship I was living a lie. I was trying to be something I was not to make someone else happy and in the process I was killing my true self. When things ended I was bitter and angry and I put that anger on the wrong person. I am sorry for that. I will no longer blame someone who is not to blame. I will not blame anyone. I have looked my past in the face and said I forgive you and I am ready to move on. I needed to say it. I needed to say goodbye for good to what I used to to have. Each chapter of my life has a lesson in it. The lesson of this chapter has been to never lose my authentic self again. I get this thought in my head every time that this will be my last love, that I will never be loved again … that is not true. Right now I just need to work on daily meditations of forgiveness and taking care of myself. I wish nothing but happiness to those I have walked with in this world. I am a work in progress and your entrance in my life helped me to grow.
I have not been writing much lately. It is not because I do not have anything to say it is because it all seems to be jumbled up in my brain in a way that I cannot untangle it. I am confused about how I feel about so much in my life. One moment I think that I am just one of those people who needs to have a intimate partner and the next I feel I am better off alone. I have been working on healing from my past relationships. I am working on forgiving those who have wounded me. I am trying my best to focus on myself. I feel like I have always been alone even though I have had relationships for most of my life. I have always been with emotionally unavailable people that I invest love into only to be rejected. I am really tired of it. I want to go back to the days when I could go dance and not even have to talk to anyone…on the dance floor I felt free. I would dance and then just go home. I had no regrets. I felt no jealousy. I felt no envy. I just danced. It was my therapy and it helped me so much. I am still working through that loss. I am moving on.
If we are seeking spiritual enlightenment we must ask ourselves if our needs, lust and wants are more important than the pain it may cause someone else. We may see something or someone as a gift but a gift at the price of someone else suffering is not a true gift. We are handing the person we are hurting a box of darkness that when opened will find it’s way back to us like tentacles seeking their origin. We cannot blame the other for being hurt and lashing out in that pain. We are seeing our own future in the beginning of the suffering we have caused someone else. We will not escape. Wishing good to the person we have harmed is like taking a dropper of water to a roaring bonfire and pretending we have done our duty. We should not expect to be forgiven just because we have sent some good energy out of guilt or self righteousness to a heart we have wounded. We must remember that every action we take affects those around us.
The definition of gossip:
Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.
Sharing my story is not gossip. It is telling my truth about what happened to me.
Dating at my age is not fun. My experience has been I am a fill in until the person finds someone better suited to them. Men my age want younger women. Men who are younger than me are interested for a short period of time but always leave for a younger woman. I am not generally attracted to men older than me and when I am…those guys always want someone 25 or 30 and not a mature woman with life experience. It is maddening.
It is true what they say. Once a woman hits a certain age she becomes invisible. I am tired of being with a man and having him constantly looking through me to the young chick across the room.
My most recent experience was being asked out by a younger man. I suggested we go for coffee in a public place. His response? “Don’t you think it would be weird meeting in a public place considering our age difference? I should just come to your house.” Which translates to him being embarrassed to be seen with an older woman in public but he would welcome the chance to come to my house and have sex with me. No thank you fuckboi. 😦
I don’t know what to do about this other than to just sit back for now and try to enjoy being single. I have much to give in a relationship. I am loving, attentive and I communicate well. I have some interesting life experience and I take care of the man I love. Maybe the real problem is that I love too deeply. There has to be someone out there that would appreciate me for who I am and would not use me as the in between. I crave a partner that I can do things with and be loved by. I think I am looking in the wrong places.
I think it is time to clarify something.
This is my story. I think it is important to note “my” story and my perspective in the moment. My perspective will change at times once I have digested something and given it more thought. I will not however hold back from writing because I am afraid I will change my mind or find I am completely wrong. I believe that being afraid of admitting we were wrong can sometimes paralyze us and keep us from writing. I am not afraid to apologize if I am wrong or change my perspective. In fact writing is the process that helps me grow and change my perspective. It helps me to take a hard look in the mirror. Secondly I want to express what I am feeling when I am feeling it. I want to be raw and open when it is happening because I want others to understand that it is OK to feel. Do not be ashamed of all the natural human emotions that you have. I am doing my best to not be ashamed of what I am feeling. I will not tolerate shaming of myself or others when it comes to this. I may cuss and I may have pity parties sometimes. That is not something I want to do regularly but it is what it is. I will be writing about the past, the present and the future and how it relates to me right this moment. I will be sharing about pain sometimes. I may get angry and vent. The bottom line is this is my blog and I made it public for a reason. I am not going to hide or be ashamed of how I process things. Writing has saved my life.