“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”
― Mary Oliver

I have received several boxes of darkness in my life from people I have loved.  Every time I have wanted to hurl it from me as far as I could and stomp the fuck out of it.  This time after beating it up quite a bit I have been going through it to see what the lessons are I need to learn.  It is not an easy task and I sometimes get sucked into the darkness and find it hard to climb out.  One of the items in that box is a book A Path With Heart by Jack Kornfield.  A book I was told I should read over a year ago that I said I would but never did.  This morning I picked it up and read the first chapter.   At the end of the chapter I was sobbing.  I knew after reading it that I was not listening to my heart.  I knew that I had been spending many hours of my time wishing the pain I am feeling on someone else who I felt had a part in what happened.  What a terrible thing to wish for someone.  I would not wish this kind of pain on anyone.   I have to let it go.  If I look from a different perspective I know that someday I will thank this person for being the straw that broke a very tired camels back.  So I spent some time this morning asking the universe to help me to let go of this hatred and hurt I have felt.  It is not going to just disappear.  I know it will take time.  What I have to focus on is moving on and not thinking about what is going on in other peoples lives because it is keeping me from living mine in today.   I have things I need to do in this life.  I believe that if I share my experiences I may be able to help others who are struggling.  It is hard to believe on this beautiful Sunday morning that just yesterday I had serious thoughts of ending my life.  In fact almost every day this past week I struggled with those kinds of thoughts.  Not because I lost a boyfriend.  I lost him many months before the breakup.  But I lost myself first.  My heart had closed up in self defense and I was no longer connecting on a level that was satisfying to me.  I did not communicate that in a way that was understood.  I take responsibility for my part in the demise of the relationship but I will not take it all.   More importantly I need to take responsibility for the healing of my heart and that means kicking out the squatters who are taking up rent space in my brain.

So what am I learning from all this?  that is something that is a work in progress and I am learning every single day.   My lesson today is that my life is right here, right now and it is wonderful.  I will strive to no longer live in the past or in my fantasies of the future.  This morning I was in the kitchen and the squirrels made a sneak attack.  I jumped like a ninja and said “Back Squirrels!”  I need to do that more often.  The movement and the words scared them away for now.  It is a ritual I will repeat.

If you are interested in the book I am reading you can find it here:

https://jackkornfield.com/a-path-with-heart/

I have had issues with depression for as long as I can remember.  I have learned over my life to hide it as much as I can but sometimes I just cannot.  I found this article that I felt explained how my life is much of the time.  People find it hard to believe that I suffer with depression or say things like “you have so much to be happy about.”  I do have so much to be grateful for and I am grateful but it does not stop me from having depression at times that is so deep that I have intrusive thoughts about ending my life.  It is not because of circumstances most of the time.  It is just something I cannot control.  I am even on medication for once in my life but I am having a deep valley experience right now.   I am working with my therapist and my doctor but something has to give.  I cannot go on like this.

https://drmargaretrutherford.com/the-ten-characteristics-of-perfectly-hidden-depression/

Maybe there is some kind of treatment or breakthrough that can help me.  I am willing to try anything.

I really hate Mondays.  I always have.  I have tried to love them.  I have done the fake it till you make it, dressed as best as I could, sang in the shower and smiled so I would feel better and none of it works.  I can remember a time when I loved Mondays.  I know why I feel this way.  I am not doing anything to change the world in the job I do.  I am grateful for my job and I love the place I work for the most part but I keep asking with every single thing I am tasked with “Why are we doing this?”.   I want to really help people.  I do not feel like I am doing that.  I spend 40 hours at a job that is sucking the life out of me.  It was not always that way.  At one time I was very busy on campus doing things for students and I even won an award for my work with students.  But one day a couple of years ago that all changed and I was oppressed and stopped from doing things because it was not something directly for my office.  I stopped caring after that.  Why do people feel they have to put your light out in order to shine?  Can’t we all shine together?  I want to feel that joy for my job again.  For now I am counting the days till I can retire.

I am having a hard time today.  I was having a hard time yesterday.  I cried myself to sleep last night and I woke up feeling like I just did not want to go another day.   I know it will get better.  It has to get better.

How quickly we lose memories.  I was looking for a picture for something this evening and realized a couple of things.  There were way more pictures of me alone than with him and I cannot remember his laugh.  I always loved his laugh.  How has this been lost already?  It was one good memory I wanted to keep.