Monthly Archives: January 2018

The last 30 days have been up and down for me.  My feelings were all over the place.  I felt sad, angry, humiliated, betrayed, hurt and numbness.  I wrote letters and deleted them.  I wished horrible things on someone I once loved and everyone involved in the situation.  At times I felt like hurting myself.  Not because I wanted him back, because I wanted the pain to stop.  I thought about just driving my car somewhere and disappearing at times.  I was feeling so sorry for myself that I actually thought no one would even miss me.  This is a pattern that began way back when I was a child.  Being left behind or rejected in anyway sets off this pattern.  Even though I was the one who broke up with him his behavior is what forced my hand.  It was the best thing that could have happened to me because I am finally free of a relationship that was not good for either of us.  So what now?

It is day 31.  This morning I got up and walked B and in the middle of the street I started to cry.  I was not thinking about anything when the crying started.  I was just feeling lonely out there in the street, a street we had walked on together.  I came into the house and went to my healing room.  I lay on the floor and cried for awhile and what came out of that is knowing it is time to forgive and let go.  It is the only way I will be able to heal and move one.   When I say forgive I do not mean I am ok with the way I was treated.  I have learned a lot from what I went through.  I seem to have the same lessons presented to me over and over.  This lesson about boundaries and not doing things to please someone else when it is not something I really want to do…I have been a reluctant and terrified student.  I have always been afraid to stand up for myself.  The times I stood up for myself as a young woman brought physical abuse on me that was not something you forget easily.  There is trauma in my body and I go into yes mode when I feel scared.  It is part of my PTSD.   I am not in anyway dismissing the way I was treated.  I will not forget that.  I will never look at this person in the same way again or the people who were involved.  However, I can look closer and realize that each of us has a road to travel and we all have wounds that we are dealing with.  We are all human.  There is no monster in this story only other people who also have things they need to work on.  How can I a person who has done many regretful things in my life point my finger and continue to  seethe inside over all that has transpired.  I cannot.  I have been forgiven many things.  I am grateful for that.  So today I work on forgiveness.  When my tears were falling this morning I felt like poison was leaving my body as I said over and over “I forgive you and let you go.”  Then it turned into “Rauncie you are forgiven”  I needed to forgive myself and stop beating myself up over the fact that I had broken my own boundaries to try to keep someone in my life.   I am not sure how long I was there on the floor but when I got up I wrote a very short letter in my journal to him that said I forgive you and I hope your life is good.  I also asked for forgiveness for some things that I did.  Nothing is ever black and white and I am not completely innocent.  It is not something I will ever send to him but I needed to get that out.  I do realize that a part of my life is ending and I am moving on to other things.  Right now I do not see myself going back to that lifestyle.  I want to focus on spiritual things and my plan to travel the world with my friend Keith.   Forgiveness and mindfulness is what I will focus on now.  When my mind goes to the past two years I will focus on what I learned and not on what I wish I could change.

I was changed because of this past two years and I am growing.  For this I am grateful.   Someday I will say thank you for being one of my life teachers in person but for today I need to heal enough to say that with a pure heart.

Today marks 30 days of no contact.  I have not looked at his Facebook, called him, texted him or sent an email.  I have also heard nothing from him which is a good thing.   I think if I heard from him right now it would send me into a panic attack.  I am not ready to see him or hear his voice.  I don’t know if I ever will be ready.  I cannot even interact with people who are still in touch with him or hang out with him at Vertex.  I don’t want to have any chance of mingling with his energy even second hand.  That says so much about how much damage this relationship did to me.  I just keep repeating to myself when I start having euphoric recall “I am so grateful to no longer be in an emotionally abusive relationship.”  Some people may think I am being harsh calling it that but you have no idea the private hell I was living in.  I kept it quiet because I was ashamed that I was putting up with it.  I did not want people to know that the seemingly strong Rauncie was allowing a man to slowly torture her to feeling suicidal on a regular basis.  I did not want people to know that I was shutting down emotionally and withdrawing more and more every week.  I did not want people to know that my PTSD had been triggered and the anxiety I was experiencing was leading to black out drinking.  I did not want anyone to know that he was never there for me when I needed him emotionally.  I did not want people to know these things.  I seem so strong on the outside but on the inside I am soft and full of pain right now.

I was thinking this morning about our culture and hooking up with people.  My dog takes more time picking a place to take a shit than people do picking out someone to take home from the club.  It is all based on the chemicals in our body.  We pick people and then try to make them fit our expectations.  It leads to relationships that we spend more time thinking about getting out of than we do enjoying the relationship.  It leads to people being hurt because an attraction that someone cannot get out of their system becomes an obsession.   I am just done with this kind of life.  I loved dressing up and going to the club and dancing.  I miss it.  I will not be able to step foot in my beloved club for months and when I finally do, if I do, I am sure that I will have on my armor and a costume I can hide behind…because that is what I do.  The difference will be that the next time someone asks me out and I tell them I just want to be friends I will not cave because they have pretty eyes and can dance.  It is all just an allusion.  As soon as the lights are turned on and real life has to be faced it all falls apart.  I need to dance with myself because I am the only person I can trust to be there for me.  But I may never go back to that life.  There is a darkness, emptiness and sadness that permeates it and sucks you in so easily.  Now that I no longer drink and I have shed the relationship that was stealing my life I cannot imagine being there to watch it happen to other people.

I am learning so much about myself and I am changing in this cocoon.  It is still dark in here and the change hurts like hell but I am coming out of this with wings.   My wings were torn from me this past year but I will fly again and this time I won’t allow anyone close enough to ever take them from me again.

That numb part of the process is over and I feel like a walking wound

I keep hoping for reprieve

I keep wishing for something to make it stop

I know that I need to go through this to heal but I am not just healing from one relationship but for the last few that I never processed

It is like waves crashing and knocking me over again and again

At times I wish I could be one  of those unfeeling people like my x

I wish I could just walk away and into the arms of someone else without ever looking back or thinking of the person I was with again

But I wonder…how do people do that?

I don’t get it and honestly when I really think about it I would not want to be empty hearted and always looking for the next thrill

People are not disposable but I feel like I have been erased and forgotten even though I was the one who chose to end the pain I was suffering in the relationship

I know that it will get better….it has to

 

 

I know it will get better.

I keep reminding myself that I did not give up a diamond it was more like a turd sprinkled with glitter.  It is still a turd no matter how you try to dress it up.

glitter poop

My heart hurts…well actually it feels like my heart has been scooped out of my chest with an ice cream spoon.   I just feel raw.  I feel like I am on auto pilot most of the time. I am tortured by intrusive thoughts about things I cannot change.  I keep reminding myself that I am worthy of love and I have much to give.  I was loving and I shared everything I had.   I have to let go because I am being dragged by the past.  I am being dragged by memories and questions and wishing for a different outcome.  I am sinking into a bog of bullshit.  The truth is I would not want that relationship back.  If I was suddenly transported back into that relationship I would be instantly anxious and miserable.  The last few months I did not look forward to my days with him and I dreaded going out with him.  I just wanted to stay at home and be with him.  It felt safe that way.  I was trying to push back the inevitable.

I am really contemplating being a single person for the rest of my life.  Not because I am bitter but because I have spent the better part of 56 years coupled up.  I think I had my first boyfriend in pre-school.  None of them ended well and when I am not mourning a relationship I was pretty happy just having close friends.  I think it would be a good choice for me.  It is a struggle sometimes because our society has everything set up for couples.  When you are single people are always trying to set you up with someone.  If you are single you don’t get the best prices and people look at you like “awww look at that person eating alone they must be so sad.”  But I truly believe some of us are just better off being our own soul mate.  I have some great friends.  I need to work on being my own best friend.

So I am going to pack up my glitter kit and stop trying to sprinkle glitter on every turd that smiles at me.   I just end up smeared with shit and having to hose off in the end.

Sometimes we are in the valley, a darker place of contemplation.  At times it is even darker and underground.  I am there right now.  It is a dark quiet place where the voices in my head just overtake me sometimes and the squirrels just pile on me.  This morning I got stuck in a place of pain and just felt frozen.  The squirrels had me tied down like Gulliver and were chattering away.  I forget when I am in that dark place that this is was a good choice.  I cried again.  I need to be clear about something.  Yes, a small percentage of those tears are for the relationship I ended but it is not for the reason you may think.  It is because I was so disappointed in this person as a human being.  But when I really think about it I have to just forgive and move on.  He told me many times that he was way more broken than I could ever understand.  He told me the only thing he could promise was the fact that he would hurt me and he kept that promise.  The majority of the tears are for the years I have lost in relationships where I was trying to fix someone.  I honestly believed if I loved them enough they could be cured and would wake up and say thank you and I love you too.  It never happens.  But here is the biggest lesson I have learned.  I have chosen people with the same wounds I have.  It is like looking at a mirror image of my soul.  I have been trying to fix myself by trying to fix other people.  In the process I lose myself every time and instead of getting better I am wounded all over again.

The last couple of days I have been fantasizing about having a robot partner.  You know like in the science fiction movies where it is so real it is hard to imagine it is a robot.  One that would love me unconditionally and not leave me for someone else.  But the thing is I have been with a robot who had no real feelings.  I used to make jokes about it to him.  He admitted that he felt like one at times.  It is not fulfilling and after awhile I totally disconnected myself.  So my fantasy of a robot that would never hurt me is false.  It would hurt me because the love would never be real and it would be the same as I have experienced over and over in my life.  I don’t want that.  I want real, when I am ready.  I am not ready yet.

So what is the lesson here?  I just have to focus on loving myself.  I need to remember what an amazing bright soul I have and what I have to give to the world.  If I partner up with someone it will only knock me off my path again.  If I give myself to someone I will just have my light dulled again and I will lose my focus.  I have to stay focused.  I need to make a plan and that is what I am going to focus on now.   I have something to do in this life and I am running out of time.  I can see the light to the path that will lead me to the mountaintop from down here and I am putting on my hiking boots.  I will climb that mountain and look back at the cave in this  valley as an experience that was worth every moment.   For now I need to stop looking at my feet as I walk through this place and see the beauty of the cave and the valley.  This place of protection is full of wonderful lessons.  It is a place I can rest and reflect.  Like Inanna I will endure and come out of this place of darkness changed.  

One month has passed since I told him it was over.  For the most part I have been holding it together.  Yes, at times I have missed him but because of the pain he had been causing me it has mostly been relief.  I am careful about my music so this morning I put on a bluegrass station.  Bluegrass reminds me of being in Tennessee with my family.   It makes me smile and some of the songs make me laugh.  I was pretty shocked when a bluegrass version of Purple Rain started playing and I was laughing at it when the laughing morphed into sobs.  It took me completely by surprise and I am talking lay on the floor deep from my gut sobs.  I had not cried like that since that first night when he wounded me.   I know that even though I am glad it is over there is a part of me that misses the man I shared my life with for two years.  I cannot deny or bury that.  If I do it will just pop back up at the strangest times like during a terrible bluegrass version of Purple Rain.  So I let myself cry and I did not hold it back.  I feel a little better right now.  I had been feeling so numb and shut down that I felt like giving up.  I cannot give up.

 

Today I got dressed in a amazing outfit and went out for the first time since I broke up with him.  I did not go to Vertex.  I went to a party.  It was so nice to see people and some of them came up congratulating me on my decision.  It was just nice to feel supported and loved by friends who have been in my life for a long time. I am truly blessed.