As a survivor of violence I have plenty of reason to not trust the system.  I have been laughed at and treated terribly by police officers and judges in some instances.  I have seen a perpetrator scoff at the system and get off with a slap on the wrist and then return home to assault his victim immediately.   I know personally of cases where victims who were begging for help became murder victims because the police were not taking it seriously and our laws do not always help.

I have a friend who has been stalked for over two years by a man.  He has been arrested once already for stalking her and another woman.  They called it extreme stalking.  He even had placed devices on both these women’s cars to track where they were.  He was arrested last January but is out of jail and still terrifying her.  He has been sending letters to her friends and family for months.  Because he gives no return address and it is printed from a computer and he does not sign it the police have not been able to do anything.  He has also been leaving letters on her car at her place of employment.

I got one of those letters addressed to me, today at my job.  This man is dangerous.  It is obvious he is mentally ill.  I am afraid for my friend.  Some of the people who got the letters did not file reports.  I am filing one.  I want him caught.  The sad thing is this will probably not stop until he is dead.  She is not the first person he has stalked and I am sure she will not be the last.

Things need to change.  We need to help her.  I want to ask all my friends who work magic to do some work to help my friend.  If you write me personally I will give you all the information you need.  Maybe the hand of justice will finally reach him if we are able to shine the light on his deeds through some magical work.  I stand with my friend in solidarity…we will not be scared into silence.

Today I have six months sober.

I have to say the very fact that I went back to the world of numbness to begin with is quite shocking to even me.  I had been sober for many years.  I want to say first and foremost that it was not that I was powerless over alcohol or that a bottle chased me down and poured itself down my throat.  I do not believe that Alcohol is cunning and baffling as they say in 12 step meetings.  What is cunning and baffling is my own mind that whispers to me constantly that I can just end it all and never have to hurt again and alcohol/drugs/food/sex could help with that.  I have heard so many people say they are powerless over a substance and that any moment could be the one they fall under its spell again.   I do not believe that.  I believe that kind of perception is false and leads to a victim mentality.  I believe that is a easy excuse when the reality is we make the choice.  We do not have to say yes, there are other options.  It is not easy to choose other options but why does something have to be easy to be the right choice.  I made the choice to numb myself because I was lonely and in so much pain I did not want to feel anymore.  I was craving someone to be near even if it is was just in the same house but at the same time terrified of opening up and being hurt again.  I had just experienced one of the most amazing connections of my life and when it ended I was left wondering if it was me…of course this is my code from childhood speaking to me about how I am broken and it could not be anything else.  I made the choice to drink myself into blackouts when I was experiencing someone I loved wounding me instead of speaking louder or walking away from that person.  It was a mistake that cost me months of living.  I cannot remember some of it and some of things I do remember I wish I could forget.  I hurt people and I hurt myself, mostly myself.

So here I am 6 months later and my heart is finally opening up.  I have a wonderful friend who is showing me unconditional love, who gives without strings, who hugs me and says I love you and I know it is genuine.  I have not experienced that very much in my life.  But as I say that I wonder if it has been here all along and I was too afraid to accept it.  Was I so convinced that I was not worthy that I have pushed away genuine people before?  I am sure I have.  I am determined to accept it now.  It feels a little scary but it is wonderful to allow myself to be open to having a family, to having a home and someone I can trust.   This has also let me to be able to create boundaries and ask for things in my other relationships.  That has been incredibly scary.  To put in writing what I will and will not tolerate and wait for an answer from someone I love …  But the response made me realize that my perceptions of how someone feels about me are quite often wrong.  I think I am blessed to have two people who I call family that I share space with who truly care about me.  They each fulfill a part of my life that is very important and I feel the universe brought them both to me.   In addition healing is happening with my children as well.  I think feeling stable and having roots is helping me to be a better mother and to be there for my children more.  It has been several years since our family was fractured and broken apart and I think things are coming back together again because of the love that has been shown to me by my friend.  It was wonderful to have my daughter and granddaughters have Thanksgiving at our house.  To set down at the table with my house family and my children and grandchildren made me feel so wonderful.  I am truly blessed…truly blessed.  I love my life.  I know I have further to go and I am going to work hard to make the right choices about my life and my job.  But right now I feel like good things are happening in my life and I want to embrace it with my whole heart.

These days I find myself singing this song when I wake up (with a few changes of course :))

Our house, Is a very, very, very fine house, with gargoyles in the yard, life used to be so hard, now everything is easy cause of you!

Thank you Universe for tapping me on the shoulder and reminding me that I am truly loved and I am worthy of that love.  I forgot that for awhile.  I will not forget it again.

Samhain is here and the winds of change are blowing.

I am making some choices I knew I would have to make.  They are choices that hurt my heart but they must be done.  I have come to realize that in the past I have chosen people because they treat me the same way I treated myself…with disdain and at the very most with shallow affection.  When people were kind to me I was suspicious of them and I pushed them away and pulled the people who mistreated me closer.  It was easy to put on a costume and be someone else because that is not Rauncie it is just a role I fill for awhile.  It has left me feeling empty and lonely so many times.  I am embarking on a new journey.  It seems that this change was brought to me by the universe and I need to pick up my broom and ride on.  I deserve this.  I deserve to be treated with kindness and love.

I will miss some of the people I have come to care about but it’s time to move on.

I am still off of Facebook.

I do miss it sometimes.  I have missed a couple of events because once you are off Facebook it is like you cease to exist to some people.

“Hey, I did not see you at the event last night”

“What event?”

“You know, I sent you an invite on Facebook.”

“…”

Facebook has become the way to do everything and leaving it has left me out of the loop.  So right now I am not sure how much good this is doing me except for the fact that I am not wasting time scrolling and wishing I looked as good as the 25 year olds I see posting pics everyday.  I love posting pics myself and seeing what is going on with people.  Maybe when I am a little further out I will feel better about this decision.  I am not sure it is making me happier.  I have to be honest and say I have been looking at the news daily which I did not do before and that also makes me anxious.  I need to just put my phone down.

So I have been reading and seeing things lately that have me thinking that I have been taking the wrong approach in living life in a more productive and happy way.  First of all I saw a video about the longest study of human behavior that said that people who have good relationships are the happiest.  It talks about how those who have bad relationships, who stay in bad marriages, who are around toxic people and do not get out of those situations are going to be unhappy and probably have more issues with end of life brain problems.  I can see why.  I know what it is like to be totally fixated on the terrible things going on in a relationship.  I know what it is like to wake up feeling doomed and sad.  I know what it is like to feel trapped and suffocated.  I know what it is like to be with someone who reminds you every day that you are not worthy of love.  But the question is…how did I end up there?

My code is corrupted.  What if the issue is the programming I received as a child.   The times I was told it was evil and wrong to be proud of who I was.  The times I was told sex was a terrible thing and men only want you for one thing.  The times I was told I had ruined my life.  My code was corrupted early on and I saw the world in a way that was influenced by all these early downloads.  What if I could go back to my early edition, Laurence 10.0 and see the world from there.  If I did my world would look like this…

The world is a magical wonderful place full of people I can make friends with.  I am a beautiful smart woman with dreams that need to be followed and paths I need to take.  I am full of great ideas and when I share them they are accepted by people who want to help to make them reality and if they are not accepted I will find someone who is open and willing to listen and who believes in me.  I can run away and join the circus anytime I want to and I can ride my bike, stand up on the seat and put my arms out with my eyes closed even if it is dangerous because it feels amazing.   I go to sleep smiling and I no longer worry about tomorrow because I am too busy enjoying today.

So what is stopping me?

Me…

I intend to fix that.  I am working on that code right now.  I will find the corrupted downloads and eradicate them.  The rest of my life… is going to be the best of my life.

Tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. I am going with a friend to inspect a house.  A house I helped to pick out.   We will move in the house in November.   This has happened so fast it seems unreal.  I never in my adult life thought I would be in a situation where I could share space with a generous, kind friend.  I have given all my life.  In fact I have given even when I could not and I found that most of the time people never really appreciated it.  I appreciate this.  My friend is blessing me in ways I never dreamed possible.  I feel like something wonderful is happening to me.

I am going to make the best of this opportunity and make sure my friend knows everyday how much I appreciate them.  🙂

I am in thoughtful preparation for more changes in my life.

I plan on working on intense introspection and self-examination, and making a strident effort to attain a state of true humility by contemplating the vastness, wonderfulness, and inscrutable intricacies of the universe and my rightful place within it.

I want to let go of ego and stop trying to cling to people who obviously are not interested in going deep.  I need to go deep.  I am 56 years old and my time is going by faster every day.  I cannot waste anymore of it.  I want deep ties with people I care about and who care about me.  I want ties with people who are not afraid to connect.  I don’t want surface bullshit anymore because that is all it is.

So what is my rightful place in life?  That is to be determined and I am stepping my foot on that path as I write this.

Addiction is a running theme in my life.  I have been addicted to many things and I know that there is a root cause.  I know what that cause is and it goes back a long way and has tentacles wrapped deep in my brain and my heart.  It is not any one substance or activity that has power over me.   No bottle has ever chased me down, tackled me and poured itself in my mouth.  I have never been forced to eat one more sugary thing or buy one more pair of boots.  I made those choices and others because I didn’t want to feel pain.  I made those choices because I was desperately trying to fill an empty spot in myself with whatever gave me a thrill and made me feel alive.  Sadly, whatever it is becomes something I learn to hate because the thrill never lasts and sometimes the substance can kill me.

Now, my mom will say that there is only one answer.  That answer never worked for me.  I did the religion thing.  I had a personal relationship with Jesus.  I dedicated my life.  I did all that.  I jumped in completely at one point.  So anyone who thinks this is a God shaped hole I can tell you that for me that is untrue.  I have been a pagan for many years and the most satisfied I have ever felt was during the times I was in circle with people I trusted and loved.  But the past few years I have been on a journey and like Persephone it has been a dark time for me.   I have been wandering in the underworld and now I am longing for the sunshine.  I no longer find joy in activities that have become shallow and meaningless to me.  I no longer want to drink till I cannot feel so I can let people I do not know do things with me or my partner that I would not do sober.  I no longer want to be the Queen of the party or the Goth Queen.  I don’t want to go to parties or clubs and pretend I am having a good time listening to back stabbing and watching people hunt for someone new.  I don’t want to have people striving to be like me or follow me who really don’t know me at all.  Don’t get me wrong I have met some wonderful people and have made some acquaintances.  I can count my real friends on two hands.  That is just being honest.  If I was in dire straights there are only a few people I know that would be there for me.  This is not just true of me.  This is true for all of us.  If you do not believe me just watch the next time you really need someone.  I have experienced it first hand.  Words are just words and actions speak much louder.  Those who swear allegiance are many times the first ones to look away.   I am not saying they are bad people I am just saying that people have their own lives and have to make choices that are right for them.  It is better to not make promises or vows to people.  Maybe you are one of the lucky people who has a strong group of friends who would do anything for you and follows through.  If so I want to have that in my life.  I am however grateful for the few true friends I have.

So now I am four months sober and I am slowly working on other things I have been trying to stuff in that space.  I need to fill that space with healthy things.   I need to walk away from people, places and things that are dragging me into the mud.  I need to fill that space with love for myself.  I am going to start a new life and make major changes.  I am 56 years old.  I do not want to be 66 and staring down the same bullshit knowing I did not step up and make a change.  By the way, 56 does not mean you are not still young on the inside.  There is always that young heart that travels with us and we never forget, even when we are 96.

So I finally decided to leave Facebook.  This was not an easy decision.  I have used FB to keep up with family and friends for almost 10 years.  I checked it many times a day and it was the first thing I saw in the morning and the last thing at night.    Over time it has gotten out of control and grown into a huge monster that needs to be fed every hour or so.  It is constantly tapping on my shoulder and asking for attention and I just cannot do it anymore.  It is like being in a really bad relationship that you have trouble letting go of because of the good memories.  I feel sick at my stomach about it.  I feel like I am already going through withdrawal.  I am having thoughts about how I will miss out on everything and that I will be forgotten and left behind.  That is pretty heavy for me because abandonment is a huge issue for me.  But I have to do this.  I can no longer spend hours reading posts and negative news.  I can no longer scroll past pictures that make my heart hurt.  I had a conversation with a friend last night who let me know that her sister had similar issues and deleted her Facebook app but uploaded the messenger so she could keep in contact with people.  I have decided to do that.  I will be keeping my messenger so that I can continue to talk to my close family and friends on a one to one basis.

I found a website for people who are leaving Facebook.  They challenge you to 99 days  and at the end they interview you about your happiness level.  It is 99daysoffreedom.com.  I am going to use that countdown as well and be a part of the experiment.  It has inspired me to do 99 days instead of the month I originally planned.

So here we go…..

My mom’s favorite saying when I was a teenager and beyond was “You have ruined your life!”  This was usually in response to something I did that was a not socially acceptable or out of the box she felt I needed to stay in.  Anytime I spoke up, was sexual, was not obeying the religion I grew up in or basically did anything she did not approve of.  That saying haunted me for a very long time and at one point I just gave up because I believed it.  I figured if I had ruined my life I might as well just be as bad as possible and it really would not matter.  Because of that I have some crazy stories to tell.  I did however pick myself up at one point and decided to get a real job and be at least partially acceptable to society.   I created this blog so I would have a place to share some of those crazy stories and write about the things I experience in my life now.

So thanks mom, that saying may help me become a best selling author someday.