I am finding that gratitude is the answer to all this pain I have been carrying around.   I spent months focused on what I had lost.  I was dwelling on the fact that someone who was such a big part of my life was no longer there.  I felt confused, lost and rejected.  I could not climb out of that pit and I when I would I ended up falling right back in.  Part of the falling back in was returning to places that triggered me.  As much as I did not want to I had to give up a part of my life that I loved at one point.  I know now that it had become our place in my mind and when it was no longer our place going there just broke my heart all over again.  I have let go of that.  There are other alternatives and I have things to do and friends to hang out with that make me happy.  I am focusing on gratitude and taking care of my body.  I have been going to the gym almost every day.  I am tracking my food and getting enough sleep.  Slowly I am feeling better.  Two days in a row of feeling good is a great thing for me.  I am so grateful for everyone I have in my life who loves me and cared during this whole process.  It is not over yet it is a work in progress but I am no longer spending hours sobbing my heart out because I was in so much pain.  Progress…. it is happening.

Last night I closed the door.  I would be lying if I said that I had closed it months ago.  I kept it ajar and checked it on occasion to see if there was still some possibility.  But the truth is that I did not want to step back through that door.  When I was a part of that relationship I was living a lie.  I was trying to be something I was not to make someone else happy and in the process I was killing my true self.  When things ended I was bitter and angry and I put that anger on the wrong person.  I am sorry for that.  I will no longer blame someone who is not to blame.  I will not blame anyone.  I have looked my past in the face and said I forgive you and I am ready to move on.  I needed to say it.  I needed to say goodbye for good to what I used to to have.  Each chapter of my life has a lesson in it.  The lesson of this chapter has been to never lose my authentic self again.  I get this thought in my head every time that this will be my last love, that I will never be loved again …  that is not true.  Right now I just need to work on daily meditations of forgiveness and taking care of myself.  I wish nothing but happiness to those I have walked with in this world.  I am a work in progress and your entrance in my life helped me to grow.

I have not been writing much lately.  It is not because I do not have anything to say it is because it all seems to be jumbled up in my brain in a way that I cannot untangle it.  I am confused about how I feel about so much in my life.  One moment I think that I am just one of those people who needs to have a intimate partner and the next I feel I am better off alone.  I have been working on healing from my past relationships.  I am working on forgiving those who have wounded me.  I am trying my best to focus on myself.  I feel like I have always been alone even though I have had relationships for most of my life.  I have always been with emotionally unavailable people that I invest love into only to be rejected.   I am really tired of it.   I want to go back to the days when I could go dance and not even have to talk to anyone…on the dance floor I felt free.  I would dance and then just go home.  I had no regrets.  I felt no jealousy.  I felt no envy.  I just danced.  It was my therapy and it helped me so much.  I am still working through that loss.  I am moving on.

If we are seeking spiritual enlightenment we must ask ourselves if our needs, lust and wants are more important than the pain it may cause someone else.  We may see something or someone as a gift but a gift at the price of someone else suffering is not a true gift.  We are handing the person we are hurting a box of darkness that when opened will find it’s way back to us like tentacles seeking their origin.   We cannot blame the other for being hurt and lashing out in that pain.  We are seeing our own future in the beginning of the suffering we have caused someone else. We will not escape.   Wishing good to the person we have harmed is like taking a dropper of water to a roaring bonfire and pretending we have done our duty.  We should not expect to be forgiven just because we have sent some good energy out of guilt or self righteousness to a heart we have wounded.   We must remember that every action we take affects those around us.

The definition of gossip:

Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.

Sharing my story is not gossip.  It is telling my truth about what happened to me.

I think it is time to clarify something.

This is my story. I think it is important to note “my” story and my perspective in the moment. My perspective will change at times once I have digested something and given it more thought. I will not however hold back from writing because I am afraid I will change my mind or find I am completely wrong.  I believe that being afraid of admitting we were wrong can sometimes paralyze us and keep us from writing.  I am not afraid to apologize if I am wrong or change my perspective. In fact writing is the process that helps me grow and change my perspective.  It helps me to take a hard look in the mirror.  Secondly I want to express what I am feeling when I am feeling it. I want to be raw and open when it is happening because I want others to understand that it is OK to feel. Do not be ashamed of all the natural human emotions that you have. I am doing my best to not be ashamed of what I am feeling. I will not tolerate shaming of myself or others when it comes to this. I may cuss and I may have pity parties sometimes. That is not something I want to do regularly but it is what it is. I will be writing about the past, the present and the future and how it relates to me right this moment. I will be sharing about pain sometimes.  I may get angry and vent.  The bottom line is this is my blog and I made it public for a reason.  I am not going to hide or be ashamed of how I process things.  Writing has saved my life.

Last week the burlesque world lost a sparkling light that can never be replaced.

https://eklist.com/kelly-o-may-penny-scandall-boyfriend-robert-norry-815/

We must speak out.  We must speak up.  When our sisters say things to us like “my boyfriend doesn’t like that”  “I can’t because my boyfriend will get upset”  We need to say…”Sister can I help? I understand.  I will be here for you”  When our sisters and brothers are being emotionally, verbally and physically abused we need to speak up.   We need to be present and listen.  We need to put aside our societies practice of looking the other way or feeling “that is their personal business.”   It is our business to protect those around us.  Yes, some may become angry.  They may even stop talking to us but here is the most important thing.  No matter what the reaction let them know you are there for them when they are ready.  I am a survivor and the worst thing I experienced was having family say things that let me know they were judging and rejecting me.  When a person is in a situation like this they need to know they have support.  The person they are with is working to isolate them and is whispering or shouting in their ear that they have no one to help them.   When someone is in a situation like this they are being controlled and broken.  They begin to believe that they do not deserve better.  They may feel humiliated and embarrassed.  They sometimes begin to feel that maybe they even deserve it.  I felt all these things and it kept me from reaching out when I needed help.  Help them to feel that they are worthy of real love and that we are here to help.  Be that lighthouse that they can look for in times of trouble.

It is my life goal to help those who are where I used to be.  I am heartbroken that a beloved sister in our community is now lost to us.  Let us come together and do all we can to help others.  Our community is grieving.  Let us take this energy that feels like our very hearts are being eclipsed and use it to take action.

My name is Rauncie and I am a witch.

What is a witch?  For me being a witch is to be a wise woman or man who knows their own heart.   It is someone who looks inside for answers.  It is someone who is not afraid to look in the mirror.  But something happened a few years ago and I laid down the mirror.  I began to look for happiness in other people.  I wanted to have a chance to live something I had never experienced before.  As a young woman I never really had the chance to live a normal life.  I was not allowed to date and if I did go out there was all this guilt following me out the door like I was doing something wrong.  I never learned how to really date people or have boundaries.  What I did learn was how to get into relationships way too fast.  I married at 17 and had my son two weeks before I turned 18.  I did not do well in marriage and I was constantly searching for some kind of validation from men.  The men who responded to this in almost every case turned out to be men who were looking for a thrill and never stuck around.  I was a woman who had attachment issues who always attracted men who had commitment issues.  This just added to my issue of being rejected and needed validation.   Six years ago I left my marriage and started a relationship with someone much younger than me.  It was one of the most amazing exciting relationships I had ever experienced.  I traveled with him.  I fell deeply in love.  The red flags were there but I ignored them.  When we split up I was devastated.  Close to a year later I started another relationship with a man.  I swore I would not allow myself fall in love and I would keep boundaries.  That is not what happened.  I fell in love with him and then I completely laid down my cloak of power and did whatever I felt I needed to in order to keep him happy.  I was happy when I was with him and miserable when I was not.  I finally made some boundaries and then when he crossed them I broke it off.  I hit a huge bottom in that moment.  I felt like my heart had just been broken open and all this pain was pouring out and I could not stop it.    I did not sleep for weeks.  I had suicidal thoughts.  I met with him on several occasions after the break up and we talked about seeing each other again.  Thankfully that did not happen and we both decided it was a bad idea for many reasons.  But I wanted him because I wanted to stop hurting.  I wanted him because I missed him.  He was my family for two years.  I had forgotten all the things that had hurt me in those two years.  I had forgotten how I was left out of things, left behind, humiliated and how it ended so badly.  I forgot about all the unanswered heart felt letters I wrote him when I was with him.  I forgot about the lies and the hurtful words.  I had forgotten about the times I was in a very bad place and I was all alone.  I must stop here and say it was not all bad.  He did many wonderful things for me.  He is not an evil person.  I loved this man.  I hope that someday that is all I will remember when I think of him.  I don’t want to go on feeling bitter.

But in the midst of all this I forgot who I was.

I am a witch.

I am a powerful witch with a story to tell.

I have the ability to make changes in my life.  I threw all that away at one point for love and in the end I ended up alone and heartbroken.  Maybe it is true that in order to heal we have to break things open completely.   That day 5 months ago I stood at the edge of the dance floor and broke my own heart.  It had to be done.  I knew that it meant taking a journey to the underworld of pain and darkness but I was ready to strip myself of all the trappings of life and do it.  So I spiraled into the darkness and I made the choice to not reach out to anyone else until I had felt every single moment.  I picked up the mirror and took a long look.   I am my own Goddess.  I am the one who holds my happiness.  I will not find it in the eyes of another.  Love is a trickster.  It will cause us to do things that will destroy us sometimes.  I almost allowed myself to be destroyed.   I will not allow that again.  My true equal will love me as I am, flaws and all.  But here is the thing…I think I have found my true flame and it is me.  I do not need someone to be happy.  I have good friends, several very close friends, supportive family, a sweet dog and I have a home I love.  I need to lay down this pain I have been carrying like a rotting dead corpse and move on.  I have been the most afraid of that because once I move on it is over for me.  The love will be gone and the thought of that makes me weep at night.  I think I have held out on the fact that maybe…..just maybe….  But there is no maybe for this situation.   It truly is not something that lifts me up.  It is something that tears me down.  But there is more to it than that.  It is the fear that I will never feel that kind of love again.  I have felt deep love and I am grateful for that.  If I never feel it again I at least know what it feels like.  So… I must move on.   The road is wide open and I hear the whisper of my calling again.  I am afraid.  I will not lie.  My cloak seems unfamiliar to me.  I put it on and then take it back off thinking I no longer deserve it but that will not stop me.  I am going to wear it and chant the words of my heart once again…

Round and Round and Round we go,

Look into my eyes and know,

That Life is death and death is birth,

Such is the way of mother earth,

If you are afraid hold on tight,

We are turning, turning darkness into light

It is time to reconnect with myself.  It is time to chant and dance around the fire with my sisters and brothers.  It is time to let go of the hope of going back and changing the past.  It is time to pick up my cloak, staff and my little dog and start a new journey.

I may need to make some serious changes that will make it seem I have disappeared.  I have not.  I am just dancing under the moon.  Join me if you dare.

My name is Rauncie and I am a witch.  I am a powerful, strong woman.

I love myself and I love you for who you are.

If you love the picture above you can click on it and it will take you to the deviant art site.  It is Tarot:Fool by Iscalox

I am determined to ride this out.  I am tired of being sick and I am not just talking about physically.  I fight my mind on a daily basis.

Sometimes when you crawl out of the cocoon and stretch your wings you take a nose dive….Ouch…  Yeah, that is happening right now.  I had a few days of feeling fantastic and then I crashed and burned in a way that made me feel I was back to December 15th all over again.  I sometimes wish I was not so sensitive but it is who I am.  I cannot just stop loving people.  Why is it that those who are able to walk around like robots and have no feelings are considered normal and those of us who struggle with feelings are considered crazy.  I am not crazy I am human with deep emotions.  When I love I truly love.  When I hate…well I have to say it goes deep to the bone.  That however rarely happens except in cases where I feel someone has purposely set out to destroy something I had or to hurt my family.  But hate can eat you alive and I have been carrying some.  I do need to let go of that and I am working on it.

So I am trying to clean up my wings right now…they are a bit dirty and bent.  I feel like I have no energy or motivation.   I need something in my life that makes me feel fulfilled.  My dreams may never make it off the ground but I have some.  I just have to breath some life into them.