I am making the choice to face my triggers.  I will feel the fear and the anger.  I will hate when warranted.  I will love when it is earned.  I will embrace my shadow and begin to heal.   Like Lilith who refused to lay on her back screaming  “HELL NO!” and climbed the wall to have sex with demons I make the choice to climb the wall of your double standards, lies, manipulation, oppression and rules.  I am throwing aside the search for fairy tale love and taking a bite from the apple of ecstasy.   I will savor every juicy bite and throw the remains at the feet of my enemies and those who have betrayed me.

I will no longer lay down

I will no longer be nice

I will no longer smile and pretend

I will dance and create a powerful circle of magic

Then I will cast a spell and spin a web to catch the next who dares to try and capture me

The dance of magical ecstacy is the dance I choose for my life

You know…it is interesting.  I mourned for over 4 months.  I cried at least a little every single one of those days.  I had trouble sleeping.  I thought of suicide a few times.  I kept asking myself what was wrong with me?  Why was I not good enough? I worried that this would truly be the last love I ever felt in my life… but then I woke up.  It was a sudden surprising wake up.  I looked around and realized it was Spring and I had survived one of the harshest emotional winters of my life.  I did not throw myself into another relationship to numb myself.  I did not turn to alcohol again.  I had been in a deep dark cocoon working on the inside of me.  This was something I had desperately needed to do for years.   There were times I raged.  There were times I wanted revenge.  I wished with all of my heart that the people who caused me pain would suffer terribly.  Then in a blink of an eye I didn’t care anymore.

I am not ashamed of who I am.  I am not ashamed of my past because it has made me who I am.  I am glad that I am open enough to give people a chance in my life.  I am also glad that I have learned to walk away when someone is damaging me.  I have learned some hard lessons over the past couple of years.  This past few months was dark and painful.   Then there was a tiny crack and light began to pour in.   I reached my hand out and pulled, the cocoon started to split and suddenly I could breath.  The world is this wonderful, beautiful place again and I am soaring and leaving the pain behind.   I will remember these lessons.  I will not forget what brought me here.  I will not forget that beautiful eyes and meaningless whispers are dangerous for me.  I will stay guarded and untouchable until I find my equal.  I know there is a chance that I may never find my equal and that is OK.  I am no longer on a search for love or my soul mate.  I do not believe in that anymore for me.  It is not what I want.  Fairy tales are for other people, not me.  I made a vow to myself under the full moon on Beltaine eve to live for ecstasy.   I will not chase or coax it.  I will open my arms up and accept it.    I deserve to live in pure ecstasy for the rest of my days.

I constantly wonder about this in every single relationship or friendship I have.  Because I have experienced some horrendous things in my life I find that I am always asking this question?  Why?  Well when you think someone cares about you and they suddenly walk away it makes you wonder.  I have wounds that go way back.  I just expect people to never come back.  I have this memory burned in my mind of my x walking down the hall of my building and looking back at me smiling before he turns the corner to go home after a nice date….that should be a nice memory…it is not…it is a memory that sums up all that I feel every single time someone leaves from being with me.  He is not coming back.  But he did.  He came back over and over for two years…and then he didn’t.  Now the truth of this is I know he does care about me.  I know he likes me as a person and that he cares about what happens to me….but tell my brain that tortures me every single day.  Tell my brain that brings up every single relationship I have been in that anyone cares about me.  It will laugh long and hard in your face.   This is why I know I have to heal to allow myself to be loved.  I hold people at arms length and convince them of why I am not worth loving.  Eventually they believe me and they leave.  That is the real truth and that is the hardest thing for me to accept.  I do this to myself every single fucking time.

So I will keep asking until I can get better…do you like me?  Do you really like me?

I don’t feel good.  I am not just talking about my heart hurting.  I am talking about actual physical issues.  I have nausea, a stomach ache, my chest hurts and I feel incredibly tired.  Going through withdrawal of any kind is terrible.  Some moments I feel like driving to the bridge downtown and throwing myself into the rushing waters.  Other times I feel like sleeping forever…and then sometimes I feel OK about life.  At times I feel like I am on top of the world and want to drink the tears of my enemies.  The thing is I realize that I am truly dangerous to myself at times.  I have no control over the ups and downs.  I do things that help such as meditation, screaming NO! when I start thinking about certain things or keeping busy.  I have not been creating art though and I know I need to do that.   I need to go for a trip.  I will be going on one next week and I am hoping it will help in so many different ways.  I just need friends to hang out with me.  Someone to talk to me while I clean the house or even help me when it seems overwhelming because I am hurting.  Someone to go for a walk with me and talk to me when I am on the verge of crying.  When I am talking to someone it is not so bad.   Someone to sleep in my bed with me when I am feeling like I never want to wake up.  Someone to make sure I am ok because there are times I am not ok.   Yes, it is getting better.  Everyday it is getting better.  I think in a few months I will read this and scratch my head that I was suffering so much.

I understand why people who do addictive drugs have such a hard time stopping.  Withdrawal is such a terrible thing.  I am still withdrawing from the connection I once had.  It feels terrible.  I know it will get better and eventually I will forget the strong feelings I had for this person.  There is a part of me that does not want to let go because once I stop loving ….it’s just over.  I will never feel that again for this person.  They will just be another person who fades into the crowd.  But for a long time they were the most bright and shining person in my life.   But the truth is…I need to be that bright and shining person for myself.

That is what he said.

I don’t believe it.  Right now it seems it will never get better.  My heart hurts and I only laugh when I am home talking with my housemate and my dog.  It is the only time I feel safe…when I am home.  I feel like the world is full of people who want to use me up and throw me aside.  It is hurtful to have people say one thing to your face and something else to your back.  It is hurtful to have people offer to help you and then show up when its all over asking what they can do.    I have been carrying so much pain.  To top it all off I was rejected by someone I have been a friend to after a misunderstanding.  That was the worst thing that happened to me this week.  Well, the worst thing in addition to feeling lonely, less than and never enough.

I have felt depressed as long as I can remember.  I don’t think it will ever get better.  I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.  I have to do something to change it but it is not that easy.  I wish I could move our house away from this cursed place.  I wish I could go on a 6 month vacation so I could heal and not cry every single day.

Don’t judge me if you do not understand.  I don’t want to be this way.  It is easy to say…just snap out of it….you should not feel that way….that person is not worth it….etc etc…  The truth of the matter is that these are my feelings.  I love deeply and I hurt deeply.  It is just who I am.

I am struggling.  It was a great weekend in that I was able to set up an amazing art gallery and meet some wonderful people.  At the same time my heart ached all weekend.  I had to steal away to cry several times.  How can I feel so rejected and alone in a crowd full of people who love me?  I wish I knew why.  I felt like I was back to day one when I said it’s over.  It is over.  IT IS FUCKING OVER.  It is always fucking over because I am never enough.

UGH

One of those asshole squirrels wrote that last part.

For those who do not know me well I am the co-founder, co-producer and art curator for the Rochester Erotic Arts Festival.   My role has changed over the years and I do the art and do my best to be a good Hostess for the festival.  I hit the ground running on Thursday and never stop until the festival is over and all the art is picked up on Sunday.  I love the festival.  The past couple of years have been rocky for me.  I went through a break up three years ago and now this year I am going through one too.  I am farther out in the breakup this time and I know it was for the best.  The part I struggle with is that he was my constant companion the past two years at the festival.   Everything I do has an association with him now.  I need to remember that it was not always so.  I want to get my power back.

.

I have always struggled with creating boundaries and sticking to them.  I was always afraid in doing so people would walk away from me.  This is how I lose myself.  I don’t ever want to lose myself again.  I have certain boundaries for anyone I would even consider dating for the future.  The thing is…I am not sure I ever want to date again.  It is something I am putting considerable thought into.  I always rush in and I see others do the same.  It is not a good thing.  If we jump into a relationship during the first 6 months we are still riding the wave of chemicals.  We are not stepping back to see if this person is really someone you want to be with.  I will never do that again.  I am back to being the Ice Queen who disappears when someone shows too much interest.

I know I have talked about moving on for weeks but I must admit I was still holding on to some hope that things could be different.  I spent the entire day yesterday on the couch crying off and on because I was struggling between what my monkey brain was telling me I wanted and what is truly good for my own mental health.  I think this is normal. But I am done with that.  I have to move on.  I cannot ever be someones maybe, or second or third or whenever I have nothing else to do.  I know what that feels like.  It is not what I want for my life.  I want to be loved in the way that I love.  I want to have someone who is happy to see me and considers me a priority.   I don’t expect to be first because we should always make ourselves our first priority however I do expect to be treated in a manner that lets me know I am valued and above all I expect honesty.

I am in a relationship.  I am in a platonic committed relationship with my housemate Keith.  That probably sounds strange but it is what I need in my life right now.  I need someone who cares about me and who is willing to allow me to work on myself.  We are however completely platonic and that works for us.  He is my domestic partner and my very best friend.

So for now I am just going to focus on myself.  I have to get busy doing all the things I need to make myself shine.  🙂

I truly am my own worst enemy.  I have come to the conclusion that when nothing is wrong my brain works hard to find what might be wrong and I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  This comes from my PTSD and being on high alert constantly.  It has ruined more than one relationship in my life.  I have very little trust and when I partner up with someone who is less than completely honest or does not communicate clearly with me it is a recipe for disaster.   I am having so much anxiety today.  The unknown is terrifying for me and there is so much in my life that is unknown right now.  I am mourning loss and the clouds are so dark I can’t see my future.  I know I am blessed.  If I could just stop feeling this way I would.